Good?

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Imaginary reader, tell me this.

Are you a good person?

Think about it for a bit. Imagine that Jesus or God or whatever you believe in was looking at everything you’ve done in your life, and imagine what their reaction would be. What would they think?

I know how they’d react looking at my record. Two words: Lost Cause.

It’s not that I don’t try to be a good person, because I do try. It’s a good feeling, when you do something that makes others smile. Especially when you’re sad all the time, like me. It gives you some feeling of purpose to your otherwise empty life.

The only thing is, with me, everything I do comes back and hits me in the face. You ever hear that expression, No good deed goes unpunished? Yeah, well, some ass has probably been doing a whole lotta good deeds and put me as the return address. And thanks to my brain, that is an actual possibility for me.

I think too much.

But yes, I try to be a good person, but sometimes it’s just too hard. Because some people expect too much. And some people use yelling and screaming as their method to demand too much.
Take this scenario for example; I am cleaning my room, listening to music as I work, (GOOD music, FYI, with actual talent involved) when all of a sudden, my mother charges in. And I get to hear her screech about all the things I have not yet done.

Here’s the list of complaints, sans the screechy mother-from-hell voice.

-I have not vacuumed my room; as the vacuum is still being used by my brother to do god knows what.
-I have not picked up a pillow on the floor, which renders her completely unable to walk in this ‘hellhole’.
-My dressing gown is on my box, instead of my already loaded coat hanger.
-There are things under my bed. Things that NEED to go under there so I can walk through my room.
-My desk is too cluttered.
-I read too much. I must stop reading. The less I read, the more time I’ll have to place that pillow on my bed; which is not needed.

And finally….

-I have too much crap in my room. Which is becoming more of a storage space for all the crap my mother buys-often without asking. It is entirely my fault a place cannot be found for said crap, and I am the spawn of Satan for being unable to organise it in a matter that satisfies my mother.

It’s not the complaining that bothers me, it’s the screaming. Every time I have to put up with her yelling, I end up with a headache. Which makes me go to my room. Which makes me black out and fall into Delirium, where there is, you guessed it Imaginary Reader!, more yelling and screaming.

As opposed to Reality though, Delirium has people yelling and screaming about things that matter. What these matters are, I’ll save for a time where I’m feeling even more upset and vulnerable, and I have an uncontrollable urge to spill my secrets. It’s almost funny, how Delirium is the world which makes more sense to me; for all it’s secrets and mysteries behind it, the ones there are far easier to understand than the world where people screech about cleaning and other things that barely matter.

I have gotten off track. My point is that I am a horrible person. I’m working on it, but I’m not getting very far. And I have no idea how people stand me. My friends are wonderful people, and I find myself wondering why they allow me to hang out with them; for all my faults, for every time that I’ve gone all Delusional on them, they still care about me.

And that’s what inspires me to be a better person. If they can stand a psychotic, delusional bitch like me, I can at least try to be the best person I can be.

Though I probably will never remember to put that stupid pillow on my bed.

To sum it up; yes, there are good and bad people in this world. But no one is purely good or bad; people can do bad things with good intentions, just like good people can have selfish motivations for doing something seemingly unselfish.

Also, what even is a good person? Because there are so many ways a person can be flawed, so there’s no way someone can be perfect. But what makes someone a good person? How many flaws are they allowed to have? Answer below, nonexistent reader, in the comments.

Back to my role as the spawn of Satan.
Also, my grandparents will be here soon. Eeeeeek! O_O
Yours truly,

Cat Madigan

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9 thoughts on “Good?

  1. A friend: Your "brother" in fact ;)

    How many times do I have to go through this.
    YOU AREN’T A HORRIBLE PERSON!
    If you were horrible, I wouldn’t love you. I know you say I shouldn’t, but it doesn’t change the fact that I do.
    Love you big sis.

  2. Green with Envy

    Being good is relative, everyone has a unique version of what is “good” or “normal”.
    Who decides what is “good”, its different for everyone.
    When Reality gets too much, I walk through the door to Delerium. This is a world I am starting feel comfortable in. Will I stay here, or will I go back to my world of Reality.

    • With my Delirium, there is no door. Not that I can access anyway. I suppose I just fall down the rabbit hole…
      Occasionally, I desperately wish I could stay in Delirium, because Reality doesn’t feel safe. But then I remember that I have memories in Reality, and none in Delirium. Whether these memories are fabricated or not I don’t know (though later I’ll probably over think it for hours and go nuts) but they give me grounding, which makes me stay. Otherwise I’d be completely torn between the two; both of them have their ups and downs.

  3. Imaginary Friend

    There is a door, you just havent found it yet. It took me a very long time to find my door.

    Or you may have found it and not recognised it for what it is.

    I have taken the liberty of calling you Imaginary Friend. Unlike you, who has many friends in your world of Reality. I have no-one to talk to in either world, until I came across your blog that is. So now I embrace you as my friend, someone I dont have to explain things to, someone who just seems to know what is going on, someone who experiences emotions the same way I do.

    I would like to one day, share my secrets and fears. I am not as brave as you, so I stay in the murky world between delerium and reality.

    I can’t remember when my episodes of delirium commenced, it wasn’t until I read an article on the effects of shame, that I began to research it. I resonated with everything contained in the article and began to understand how ubiququitous the fear of being vulnerable is, and its connection to not being loved and accepted by others.

    Shame is the feeling of being wrong and it triggers the fear of not being loved and accepted by others.
    The writer of the article I am talking about, came up with 10 main areas that matter to a person and are connected with being resilient to shame : The 10 points are called the Guideposts for wholehearted living:

    1. Cultivate Authenticy : Let go of what people think.
    2. Cultivate Self Compassion: Let go of perfectionism.
    3. Cultivate a Resilient Spirit. Let go of numbing and powerlessness.
    4. Cultivate Gratitude and Joy: Let go the scarcity and fear of the dark.
    5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith. Let go of the need for certainty.
    6. Cultivation Play and Rest. Let go of Productivity and Self Worth.
    7. Cultivating Creativity. Let go of comparrison.
    8. Cultivate Calm and Stillness. Let go of anxiety as a lifestyle.
    9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Let go of self-doubt and “supposed to”
    10. Cultivating Laughter, Song and Dance: Letting go of “cool” and always in control.

    I was asked by a Therapist which one of the 10 points I was currently doing and which would I find very difficult to bring into my life? I’m not doing any of the above, maybe you can relate to some points. I just needed a list with one point : I’m doing sweet fk all, because its too overwhelming and when I am overwhelmed, I am paralysed. I was given this list years ago, its funny how its the only thing from my life prior to delirium that I have kept.

    I dont know why I have told you any of this, its probably because I can remain anonymous, yet still have a friend. I have rattled on and on. I havent spoken of my fears, episodes of delirium or shame to anyone in years, perhaps you might find some comfort in the 10 points. They are my gift to you, sweet Cat.

    • I often feel alone, though I have friends, I still feel lonely. And I’m afraid too, of being left alone, being left to my own devices. Sometimes I feel as if no one would love me, and I’ll die alone. Which people have told me on several occasions. :p
      Thankyou much for the 10 points, it helped me think of what I am currently doing and thinking. I think I’m only doing one atm, number 10, but even that I struggle with, unless I’m with my friends. Occasionally I believe that if I am not loved by others, I’m not worth anything. At the same time, I don’t care if popular people love me, or people I don’t like. As long as people I care for still care for me. I suppose I do feel shame, shame for not being good enough.
      As for that door, I’m not certain I want to find it. If I did, I’d be even more torn between Delirium and Reality, and I’d have to choose between the two. If that makes me cowardly, then that’s how it is, but Im afraid of choosing the wrong world.

      • A friend: Your "brother" in fact ;)

        Well, you know I’m always here.
        And if you want to talk to someone “Imaginary Friend”,
        I’d be happy to do so, even if you just want to unload on someone or vent or just want chat.
        My skype is og1764 and my email is oliver.chessmaster.99@gmail.com

        :)

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