Thankyou, lack of Internet. Thanks to you, I can only post this four or five days after it happened.
Before what happened, I had been doing a lot of thinking. About everything.
My Delirium, according to numerous psychologists, acts as a reflex mechanism. Whenever I am stressed or emotionally unstable or even simply tired in Reality, I leave it, and go to Delirium. Where even more bad stuff begins to happen. I think you have a good idea of what ‘bad stuff’ is, nonexistent reader. If not, maybe you should actually read what I’ve posted.
It’s tiring, being torn between two worlds. Not to mention confusing; when I’m in Delirium, I can stay there for weeks, and then I snap back to Reality where I’m expected to know everything that happened seconds before I blacked out. And other times I don’t black out at all, I merely switch, and my evil twin is there instead.
Fine. My split personality is there instead, and is also expected to know everything. Did I mention we both have very different upbringings? Kaya can rabbit on for ages about politics and social expectations in her world, Delirium. And I can talk about drawing and books and how to take care of a baby (our current topic in Children, Family and the Community), until she interrupts me by asking Who’d want to have a baby for god’s sake?
My point is, I was exhausted of becoming adjusted to Reality again and again, only to keep being dragged down to Delirium. But then I realised something; I would never just snap back to Reality. I’d only do that by my own choice, from what has happened thus far.
And if I left Reality, no one would notice if someone else was in my place…
I think, imaginary reader, you can see where my thoughts were headed. In my own defence, my brain is not only prone to sending me into another world, but it is also prone to depressive mood swings and anxiety attacks. And it seemed like a good idea at the time. It usually does, doesn’t it?
So I decided to spend one last day in Reality. I drew zombies (one of them I’ll post soon,) I watched Game of Thrones, I left one last message to the person I loved and hated the most. I had been left all alone in my house, so I could do anything I wanted.
I’m not sure if what I was going to do was equivalent to suicide. In a way it was, I guess. It would be leaving the world permanently, well, if I had my way.
But then I thought of Flash.
And how much Kaya hated him. Along with everything else.
Could I really let this madwoman take over me, and tear apart everything I hold dear?
Yeah, I could. It wasn’t like I would be there to see it all unravel. I’d be in my own little world.
And then Daniel was beside me.
“Don’t,” he growled, “Even think about it.”
“Why not?” I retorted.
“I wasn’t talking to you.” His eyes bore into my skull and the look on his face was as if I had slaughtered his little goddaughter. “Let Kaya come out, Cat. I need to speak to her.”
“Wh-” I was cut off, and I felt myself falling back, faster and faster until I hit a wall.
“What do you want, Daniel?” Kaya snarled in my voice. It echoed in my head, and sent a chill down my spine; it was me, yet…
“Why are you doing this? This is her own life Kaya.” Daniel didn’t cower before Kaya.
“She doesn’t want it!”
“You shouldn’t have thrown your own away!”
“Do you think I wanted to?” I was suddenly shaken around, and I realised that I, well Kaya, was sobbing. “You should know better than anyone that I have no control over what happens to me!”
“That was your own choice though. Not anyone else’s. Yours.” Daniel’s voice was cold, and so unlike him.
“Daniel, she wants to stay in Delirium! She wants to be there, be with you. You would take that away?”
“She doesn’t belong there,” he told her softly.
I felt myself rising and falling. “Neither do you,” Kaya whispered. “You’re not like anyone there either. If anyone shouldn’t be there, it’s you Daniel.”
“I’ve got nowhere else to go.” His face was lined with sadness. “That’s the difference; I’m trapped there. The only reason I’m here right now is because of her.”
“I have a name!” I shouted out.
It didn’t come out of my mouth, but I knew Daniel could hear me. Something flickered across his face, but he didn’t reply to me.
“It can work out Daniel,” Kaya insisted. “I’ll be good, I promise. I’ll keep my head down, I won’t attract attention, I won’t hurt anybody. Please…I want to live Daniel.”
“Kaya…” Daniel closed his eyes. “When you had died, I would’ve given anything to bring you back. You were my only friend in that damn place.”
“And now?” she whispered.
Daniel inhaled. “You’re still alive,” he told her. “In a way. Besides,” he grinned. “How many times have you complained about wearing human bodies?”
Kaya didn’t laugh. “I could get used to it,” she insisted. “It’s just the feel of it, but I-”
“Kaya.” Daniel became serious. “It’s not right. It’s not far to Cat’s friends and family. Even if she wants to, it doesn’t make it right.”
“Oh for fucks sake!” she screamed out suddenly. “This is the one thing I’ve wanted in my entire life. The one thing that I can have no questions asked! She would allow it, I-”
Daniel’s hand cracked around my face. I felt something rush at me, and suddenly, I could feel Kaya’s breath on me. “Ugh…..”
“Cat Madigan.” Daniel caught my hand as my body went tumbling down. “I need to talk to you, young lady.”
“Don’t!” Kaya pleaded.
I hesitated. “Cat Madigan,” Daniel repeated. “If there’s one thing in this world that means something to you, come out, even if it is for the last time, come out!”
Ignoring Kaya’s protests, I came forward.
I could feel my cheek stinging. “Ow!” I complained. “You backhanded me!”
“I backhanded Kaya,” he corrected. “And truth be told, I’m not that happy with you either.”
“Are you going to hit me too?”
“We’re the same person Daniel,” I pointed out.
“No, you’re definitely not.” He paused. “Do you still want to leave?”
I nodded. “I know, it’s weakness. But I am weak in case you haven’t noticed.”
“Before you make any rash decisions,” Daniel cautioned. “I think you’ll find that someone really wants to talk to you.”
“What do you mean?” But he was gone already.
It took me a while to realise what he had meant. Then I remembered.
The person I loved and hated the most had messaged me back.
And he made me change my mind. Twenty minutes of messaging managed to change my decision. Needless to say, Kaya was not happy, but she didn’t argue much. Maybe she’ll wait for me to be in a more fragile position before trying.
And then, it happened.