The Terror Of Happiness

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A while ago, I had to go see a counsellor on a bad day. What’s he told me stuck with me; damaged people tend to sabotage healthy relationships because they’re so unused to what it feels like to be happy. It’s easier for them to remain miserable, because they’ve learnt to trust unhappiness.

I can understand why, though unlike those people, I’ve learnt not to trust what my brain tells me.

Right now, I’m so happy that it hurts, and that scares me, because the idea of losing that small, overpowering piece of happiness feels like it could tear me in two. 

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The Year That Went Missing

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So here’s an update.

  • I graduated. Somehow. Am now in my first year at TAFE, studying Applied Fashion Design. Failed a couple of units, but I’m on the improve now, and am keeping up. Sort of.
  • Made a short film. I’m not kidding. May talk about that later.
  • Lost a lot of friends. No, I don’t want to talk about it. But I still have some, and even if I didn’t, I think I’m strong enough to keep going.
  • Still trying to figure out what to do with my life. Some things never change. 
  • Had a LOT of sex. May talk about that in another post too.
  • I actually have a boyfriend now. I know. Da fuck. 
  • Still writing, just not on this blog. But I’m thinking I should probably start again.

Madigan Music

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Because I suck at emotional responses unless there’s an epic soundtrack playing in the back of my head. And I need to get back into the knack of writing after having not updated for a year. 

Music For When I’m Not A Pathetic Lump For Once And Can Pass For Someone With A Spine

  • Bonfire—Warrant
  • Gangster’s Paradise—Coolio
  • Break The Rules—Charli XCX
  • Boogeyman—Black Casino And The Ghost
  • Wolf In Sheeps Clothing—Set It Off
  • Love Love—Take That
  • Kidz—Take That
  • Meglovania—Undertale OST
  • Burn My Dread—Persona 3 OST
  • Power—Kanye West
  • Inside—Warmer
  • Fallen Leaves
  • Mr Brightside—The Killers
  • My People—The Killers
  • Bad Reputation—Joan Jett
  • Beyond The Void—Arkana
  • Frag Out—DJ Assass1n
  • Get Jinxed!—League Of Legends

Music To Enhance Manic-Pixie-Dream-Girl Mode

  • Listen You Little—Acid Usagi
  • Outside—Ellie Goulding + Calvin Harris
  • Booyah—Showtek feat. We Are Loud & Sonny Eilson
  • This Is Halloween—Marilyn Manson
  • Lolita—The Veronicas
  • Money—Mystery Skulls
  • The Scatman—Scatman John
  • N Battle Theme—Pokemon Black & White OST
  • Take Me Over—Peking Duk
  • Expand—Paris Blohm
  • Hello—OMFG
  • I’m A Pirate You Are A Princess—Nightcore 
  • Little Talks—Of Monsters And Men
  • Mt Eden—Sierra Leone
  • Monochrome No Kiss—Kuroshituji OST
  • Finale—Madeon
  • Outro—M83
  • Midnight City—M83
  • Limelight—Boy In A Band + Cryaotic
  • Lavender Town Remix
  • This Is Felicitas—K-391
  • The Bounds Of The Universe—Ivan Torrent
  • Get Jinxed!
  • Immortals—Fall Out Boy
  • Bonescuffle Remix—DM DOKURO

Music To Aid My Mental Breakdowns

  • In My Head It’s Like Hell—Warmer
  • The Diary of Jane—Breaking Benjamin
  • Breathe Me—Sia
  • TV—Eves The Behavior 
  • Fragments—An Unkindness
  • No Angels—Bastille ft. Ella Eyre
  • Where Butterflies Never Die—Broken Iris
  • Who’s That Girl—Hilary Duff
  • Aggravate—brandonsong
  • So Far—Ólafur Arnalds feat. Arnór Dan
  • Records—Paul Conrad
  • Chop Suey!—System Of A Down

Music To Help Me Cry When I Need To Cry

  • Silent Partner—Ether
  • Don’t You Worry Love—Warmer
  • Mountains—Message To Bears
  • Black Sun—Beyond: Two Souls OST
  • The Scientist—Coldplay
  • Everyone’s Waiting—Missy Higgins
  • Hello—Adele
  • Bittersweet Symphony—The Verve
  • Better Than Me—Hinder
  • Right Where It Belongs—Nine Inch Nails

Music For When I’m A Sex Goddess

  • Apoidea—Roman Remains
  • Closer—Nine Inch Nails
  • Drumming Song—Florence + The Machine
  • Do I Wanna Know?—Arctic Monkeys
  • Ultranumb—Blue Stahli
  • Fomenta—Antonio Castrignanò
  • Führe Mich (Nymphomaniac OST)—Rammstein
  • We Dance To A Different Disco—Short Stack
  • Bones—MsMr
  • Kitty Hawk—Ki:Theory
  • In Your Bed—Ariana & The Rose

Music When I Need Imagination Fuel

  • Attack On Titan OST
  • Toothless Hawkins And His Robot Jazz Band—Varien & Razihel
  • Building The Crate—Chicken Run
  • Right Here Right Now—Fatboy Slim
  • Dogstar—Hybrid
  • Cracks—Freestylers ft. Belle Humble
  • Dark Shadows—T.T.L
  • Paradise—Coldplay
  • Licht und Schatten—Yutaka Yamada
  • Unravel—Tokyo Ghoul OST
  • Diminuendo—Lawless feat. Britt Warner
  • Reborn—Dreamfall Chapters OST
  • Eyes Wide Open—Tony Anderson
  • Spanish Sahara—Foals

Music That Actual Helps Me Chill

  • Waiting For You—Unlike Pluto
  • Carry Me Away—Rootkit
  • 1955—Hilltop Hoods feat. Montaigne & Tom Thum
  • Ixode—Zola Jesus
  • Sucker For Pain—Suicide Squad OST
  • Breathe In—Amarante
  • I Love It—Hilltop Hoods feat. Sia
  • Silent Hill 2 Intro OST
  • Spectrum—Boy In A Band
  • All You Zombies—The Hooters
  • The Pain—Robbie Miller
  • Stressed Out—twenty one pilots
  • Money—Mystery Skulls

Sins

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Still alive.

Despite everything.

Even though I need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

Daniel’s still here, despite the fact his pet human is a complete and utter fuckup. We still don’t know what he is, but we don’t really care. He’s here. He made it back from the ruins of Delirium. And he’s happy, for reasons I don’t understand. He should hate me, but he doesn’t.

And I think I’m ready to talk about what happened now.

It’s been more than a year.

I’m ready to stop being pathetic.

It’s time to confess.

Life Is…So Unfair

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Eh, ehhhhhh? See what I did there?

“Just start the review, Madigan.”

Okee dokey. Spoiler Warnings as well.

Last time, we reviewed Episode Four of Life Is Strange and gave our guesstimations as to what was really happening behind the scenes. So let’s see how they turned out.

First of all

  • It’s not a rape dungeon, IT’S ART!

“I hate Jefferson so much.”

Yeah…me too. At least he wasn’t raping the girls, despite what we thought last time. Although when you think about it, a graphic depiction of sexual abuse in the story probably would’ve been a major mood whiplash from the relatively lighthearted atmosphere we had been getting throughout the game. And it’s also worth noting that there wasn’t anything explicitly stating that what was going on was rape. We were the ones who screamed out RAPE DUNGEON! when it was first revealed. Needless to say though, it’s a relief that no one had to go through that horror.

“Yeah, he was just binding them up and taking photos of their drugged out faces. That’s not creepy at all.”

Speaking of which…I feel like Evil Hipster Bastard got derailed slightly. Yeah, his true nature was creepy as hell, but it was slightly cliche too. I dunno, I was thinking that he’d be revealed as the Magnificant Bastard Type rather than a younger hotter version of the Mad Doctor from the Cat Lady. 

“I thought that it fit. He’s always been this cool type who is so passionate about photography. That’s one hipster stereotype, and on the other end of the spectrum, we have this know-it-all who thinks he’s above it all and is the greatest artist who ever artisted.”

Oh god, Jefferson’s a whiny teenager. 

“So are you.”

I’ll admit to that, but I don’t go around drugging and kidnapping people. I don’t get off on the suffering of others.

“Yeah, you’re just into BDSM, hypnosis and sensory deprivation.”

Problem?

“…no.”

Good, because we’re getting off track. Jefferson is a psychopathic dickweed, and I enjoy kinky sex, so we’ll leave it there and move on. So it turns out that Jefferson was manipulating Nathan, though they had more of a father-son relationship than a blackmailer-blackmailee like we predicted. And he was setting Nathan up as the scapegoat for the whole shebang, though it turns out that Hipster Draco was responsible for the murder component of it. The first one, anyway. He ended up overdosing Rachel after kidnapping her, after trying to emulate his Evil Hipster Teacher/Daddy Surrogate. We find out that Nathan got killed offscreen for being too messy, which explains how Evil Hipster got ahold of his phone, and how he’ll be framed for the murders of Max, Chloe and potentially Victoria if she ends up in the Dark Room with you. 

So we’re gonna jump to an alternate timeline.

  • San Fransisco 

So, after getting our diary back, we first get ahold of one of Max’s selfies from the first day of school. Well, our first day of school. It’s surprisingly easy to bring Evil Hipster down, all we do is send a message to David and he gets Jefferson arrested. At the same time, we get to hug Kate and tell her things will be okay -I managed to overlook it’s corniness for the time being- and we hand in our awesome photo and win the Everyday Heroes award, and history changes so that we’re heading to San Fransisco for the gallery opening. All is happy.

“Ahem, allow me to rewind and show you exactly what happened when we were playing through this segment.”

*flashback*

Cat: …Where’s the tornado?

Max: Oh, everything’s perfect, I can finally relax-

Cat: DON’T GIVE ME THAT SHIT, THERE’S STILL A FUCKING TORNADO HEADING TO ARCADIA, HOW ARE YOU JUST FORGETTING THIS??

Daniel: *eats Cat’s popcorn*

Max: *convenient vision of tornado* Oh noes, I forgot about my vision of a tornado which I had been stressing about all week!

Cat: Thank GOD! Can we go back to saving the world now? Okay, rewind to- HOLY SHIT, WHAT’S HAPPENING TO REALITY?

*back to present*

…I was a little upset.

“It was hilarious.”

So we end up back in Arcadia Bay after destroying our photo. Still in the rape dungeon with Evil Hipster. He’s gonna kill us. But then, IT’S DAVID! HE’S COME TO SAVE THE- oh, right, we have to rewind over and over again to keep him from dying on us. It gets hilarious after a while; it’s hard to keep the suspense and tension when you have to go through all the stupid ways that David can die. 

“Kick the cart!”

xD *kicks it an inch across the floor*

“For an ex army officer, that was kind of piss poor. So after playing an unexpected round of Dumb Ways To Die, Jefferson’s on the ground and David asks where Chloe is. We had to rewind for this one; it wasn’t that we didn’t want to send Jefferson to hell a little bit early, but David’s reaction to hearing that Chloe had been killed was too much for our emotions to handle.”

And I was scared that David would end up shooting himself afterwards. 

“So we lied. Though of course, Cat over here insists that a better lie would’ve been to say that she doesn’t know, that she got separated at the party before getting drugged by Professor Creepy.”

Eh, that’s just me. We leave David to gather evidence in the bunker so that we can go get the photo we need from Warren to save Chloe. One thing I don’t get is how David got here in the first place; at first I thought that we had still sent him the message in the San Fransisco timeline, but the raid took place the day after we sent the text according to the photo timeline. So he found out about the rape dungeon on his own? It’s kinda a plot hole for me. 

“Roll with it.”

Fine. It turns out that Max actually does know how to drive, and we drive out towards the diner, where Warren is. On the way, we receive a voice message from Nathan which broke my heart and made me cry.

“…I’m gonna take over. You go get a tissue.”

Thank you…

“We get about halfway before we have to make our way on foot. We save people thanks to our rewind powers, and we finally meet up with the other guy Cat has a crush on, along with Chloe’s mom and Frank. Cat lied again so that Frank wouldn’t lose it after hearing exactly how Rachel died, and after talking to Warren, we came to the conclusion that Max’s time travelling is the cause of the tornado. By this point, it’s obvious that the universe is trying to correct itself after Max went back in time to save Chloe; the universe has been trying to kill her all week, this tornado is just a more catastrophic measure. But Max isn’t that far ahead yet. We save Princess Chloe and end up heading towards the lighthouse with her before we end up in a series of parallel universes which aim to drive us crazy, with creepy versions of our peers judging us and torturing us about our decisions, and-

Wait a minute.

Cat? Take your time, go make yourself a cup of tea.

“Okay, now that I’ve put the Cat out for a while…there’s a hilariously meta joke about their infamous bottle puzzle from Episode Two, which I have to appreciate. Games which make fun of themselves are awesome games. We meet an alternate version of ourselves who accuses us of being a manipulative little shit who messes with time in order to get people to like us, which I imagine that Cat would appreciate for character development reasons. And then there’s a sequence which goes on forever where we have to go through everything we did with Chloe throughout the series before we wake up with Chloe at the lighthouse. And that was exhausting as fuck. Cat, you take over.”

  • Final Choice

Okay. But don’t drink my tea. Ah, we’re here. So after all that, our suspicions from last episode turn out to be correct. We can either save Arcadia Bay by going back in time and letting Nathan shoot Chloe, or say “Fuck Arcadia Bay!” and ride off with Chloe into the sunset. It shouldn’t be hard to guess which we chose. Saving Chloe would’ve only been delaying the inevitable; the universe would’ve gone on trying to remedy the inconsistency until Chloe died, and at the cost of too many people. We’d have more and more natural disasters trying to wipe them both out, and everything would be fucked up. And as we said before, letting Chloe die then would resolve all the problems we’ve faced this series, although it would mean that our decisions in the end wouldn’t matter, which sucks. And we finish with Chloe’s funeral…where there’s still the evil blue butterfly of doom resting on her coffin. End scene.
“Okay Madigan, we’re nearly done. Any last words?”

Two. Rachel Amber.

“…okay, you’re gonna have to keep going.”

Throughout the series, I kept waiting and waiting for Rachel Amber to show up. She had been so raved about and so built up, and I expected her to appear during the big hallucination. And there was the deer! It’s obviously Rachel’s spirit animal, which ended up directing us to her grave. So…what? Is she really just an ordinary human? I’m disappointed.

“That’s why I think that season two will revolve around her and her respective supernatural ability.”

Hopefully. I need resolution.

And with that, we’re done with the recap. Personally, I enjoyed this series. Most of the music from the soundtrack is now on my iPad, I loved the characters, the concept, and overall, it was just a beautiful game. 

“Except your choices don’t matter in the end.”

Yeah…I’m hoping that they will in season two, if they choose to make one. It would be cool to see our choices from season one carry over, but if it’s following Rachel Amber, then that would be unlikely. Unless it involves Rachel somehow rewinding before her death to make sure that there’s enough clues for Max and Chloe to find out what happened to her.

“Please write a fanfiction about that.”

Ugh…but I’m tired. I need more tea. And with that, I’m done ranting. Also, it’s worth mentioning that I turned 18 two months ago. So I’m now legally responsible for my crappy decisions. I can also legally sleep with Daniel. 

“Yay.”

My List Of Personalities

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Because I need to write something. Why not a list?

Starting….now.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Sleepy Cat

Mad Scientist

Antisocial Dragon

Cuckoolander

Evil Mastermind

Debbie Downer

Emo Cat Lady

Hollow Shell

Plaything

Queen of Steel

Funny Schizophrenia

Sociopath

Little Miss Hyde

The Hot in Psychotic

Kuudere

Poker face

Sex Goddess

Piglet-esque Anxiety

Pessimistic Idealist

And finally, Cat Madigan.

Whoever the hell that is.

Everything I Can Never Have

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You can thank Flash for this. 

Or burn him at the stake for it. 

Either way, thanks to him, I’m posting a scene from my latest story/novel/thing. 

Well, actually it’s more of a short story spinoff thing. I was writing about the background of one of the characters in the story/novel/thing and one thing lead to another and I ended up writing a short story.

Which includes a sex scene at the end.

Also, yes Flash, that’s what I named you. Welcome to my blog. Don’t bother stalking it for new posts because you’ll only see one once every blue moon. Blame Year 12.

And no Daniel, you cannot toast marshmallows on Flash’s bonfire.

Let’s go.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“I don’t love her…” grumbled Xavier. 

“Well you’re going to have to. You want to be a humanitarian, you need money. Which your parents won’t give to you if you refuse to marry her.”

“Oh I can marry her.” He rolled his eyes. “What’s a few more lies? Yes, I am interested in attending that gala. Of course I like that decor, put it all over our home. Yes, I love you and want and spend the rest of my life with you.”

Cassidy sighed. “You shouldn’t have let your parents meet her if you despise her so much.”

“Oh, I didn’t introduce her. She conveniently found a book that I left behind and went to my house to drop it off. When I got back from work, she had them eating out of her hand.”

She let out a long whistle. “She’s that good, huh?”

Xavier groaned. “Yeah, she’s everything they dreamed of. Well groomed, impeccable manners, and most importantly, our children will be physically perfect.”

“And boring as batshit. Here’s an idea, after she gives the Augustine line their precious offspring, set her up in the most public, most scandalous affair you can imagine. Mummy and Daddy will rush to remove her from the family portrait.”

“And tarnish the reputation of our children? Have them questioning their parentage? My parents have enough trouble keeping us in line already.” 

She stuck her tongue out at him. “You’re boring too.”

He ignored her. “Not to mention the bullying and psychological damage that years of name calling would cause. It would be less traumatic for them if she died.” 

Cassidy glanced around her apartment. “Since there’s no wood to knock on…” She tapped on the glass coffee table. Xavier rolled his eyes at her. “Would your wife even be interested in raising your children?” she asked, a slow smile spreading across her lips. “Maybe you’ll be needing a nanny. Think Mummy would recognise me?” 

Xavier shook his head, smiling. “Oh they’ve never forgotten you. And you’d never be able to remain civil and polite for so long. There’s also the fact that you hate children.”

“Not if I had to push them out of me, I wouldn’t. But I can deal with other people’s children fine. Just don’t make me give birth to one.”

“Isn’t that half the joy for women? Experiencing the miracle of birth?”

“This is why you need someone like me as a nanny. Otherwise your children are going to grow up stupid,” she told him. 

“I think the term is idealistic.” Xavier wasn’t at all put off by Cassidy’s insult.

“As I was saying…” Cassidy was ignoring him. “If I had a baby, I’d probably go under watch for post natal depression, knowing my parents’ history. And your soon to be fiancé is probably the same.”

“You don’t know that,” Xavier said.

“You said it before; she’s an air headed snob, she’s probably never even heard of it. I bet that she’s never going to give you head.”

“Oh, the horror,” Xavier said dryly. “I don’t believe I can handle such a torturous fate!”

The doorbell rang. Before he could say anything, Cassidy threw a blanket over Xander’s head before answering it. Xander rolled his eyes and smiled. He could fall asleep like this, on Cassie’s couch. He was even beginning to drift off when she plopped herself next to him. “I come with unhealthy peasant food!” she announced, handing him plastic container filled with rice and a bright red sauce. “Don’t tell Mummy.”

“I eat this all the time, I’m not that sheltered,” he told her. “Now go put on the movie.”

“Whatever you say, your highness,” Cassidy rolled her eyes as she got up.

“Did Matthew have the pleasure of being called ‘your highness’?” he asked provocatively.

“Of course not, he’s an asshole,” she retorted. “The only reason I call you ‘your highness’ is because it makes you laugh, which is better than you being a poor little rich boy.” The opening credits started playing, and she went to go dim the lights. When old Zachary began his story, she finally returned with the bottle of wine. “I’ve got a feeling I’m going to need a lot of this,” she informed him, settling down with her curry. 

“You’ll enjoy it,” Xavier reassured her.

She did, much to Xavier’s satisfaction. It was so rare to find a movie that she could sit through without getting bored, though she did come up with a drinking game for it; drink every time the sextet plays, a magic birthmark appears, or you recognise an actor playing more than one character. By the end of it, the bottle was empty, and she was snuggled against him. “You’re so much more cuddly when you’re plastered,” Xavier informed her.

“Am not,” she mumbled, not making any attempt to move herself from her current position. “And so are you.”

He smiled in the dark. The only sound that could be heard was their steady breathing. It was peaceful.

“You’ve never done it before, have you?” she asked softly. There was no teasing in her voice this time.

“Of course not,” he replied. “Girls were terrifying in high school. And now that I’m considered old enough to carry on the lineage, I’m not allowed to get into any ‘scandals’. Not that I was before. Surely you know this?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I guess it only sank in when I saw you watch Chang and Sonmi.” She looked up at him, almost gentle. “You’re a romantic. The worst thing you can be in this world.”

Xavier rolled his eyes. “Pessimist.”

There was silence. “Have you ever wanted to?”

“Do what?”

“Don’t be so naive. You know what I’m talking about.”

He looked down at her. “Of course I have.”

“What stopped you?”

“.,.fear?” It sounded more like he was asking.

“Fear?”

“I don’t know!” he said impatiently. “It’s harder than you make it out be. The possibility that she’d laugh in your face is terrifying. And why would she even both with you? She’s beautiful and unattainable, and you’re just this scared guy she probably hates.”

“Why would she hate you?” She frowned. 

Xavier was about to respond, but he cut himself off. He searched desperately for a suitable answer. “You know how it is,” he said weakly. “Girls are proud…haughty…you know? And it’s a fucking private school too, so they’re worse.”

“…ah.” She went quiet again.

Xavier went on. “I’m not like you. I’m scared of what will happen if I do something I shouldn’t. I’m scared of messing up permanently, and losing everything I love as a result. And-” His lips were suddenly covered by her palm. He stared at her in shock, before the blood rushed to his face. 

She wouldn’t look away from him. “You shouldn’t think so much,” she informed him. “If you want something, you should take it. In that regard you should be more like your family.” She took her hand down from his face, and rested it on his shoulder. He was frozen, completely entranced. “Don’t be scared of me. If you don’t want something, tell me, and I’ll stop. And I won’t mind if you do.” She looked deep into his eyes, waiting for affirmation.

He swallowed, closing his eyes. Despite the pit in his stomach, the hammering of his heartbeat against his chest, there was a part of him that was screaming at him to accept. Despite that, the words of loyalty were on the tip of his tongue. I can’t do that to Annabelle…My family will kill me… “I…” 

“I don’t want anything from you,” Cassidy insisted. “I don’t care if you walk out of here and never contact me again. But…if I can help you this way…”

“How…how is this helping?”

This time, it was Cassidy going still. “I…I want to show you what it’s like. When…it doesn’t have to be a chore. And…” Another pause. “…I want your first time to be with me,” she admitted. 

Xavier opened his eyes. She was looking away from him, her long hair hiding her colourless face. She moved her hand from his shoulder and stood up, almost robotically, clearing the coffee table of the empty takeout containers and wine glasses. The lights came on, and she went to the kitchen, leaving Xavier alone. 

The sane part him turned to the door, listing to him all the reasons that this shouldn’t happen. What would they do if they knew? His parents saw her as a corrupting force, a gold digging hobo who would bring nothing but scandal. They’d destroy her if they knew that she…that he had let her…

He wasn’t ready for this. Truth be told, he wasn’t even sure he’d be ready on his wedding night. All of his weaknesses- his shyness, his complete lack of self confidence- would be on full display. He was terrified of looking foolish, and he knew that Annabelle would rip him to shreds if he did. He thought of Cassie’s teasing and bitter remarks. Would she be just as critical as a lover? He didn’t know. 

But he did know that he felt more like himself around Cassidy than he ever would with Annabelle.

He stood up. He wished that he was normal, that something like this would come easily to him. His voice came out a stammer. “Cassie…”

She didn’t respond. He walked over to the kitchen, where she was rinsing the pan of failed casserole. “I know you can hear me,” he told her. Cassidy said nothing, but she inclined her head slightly. Xavier breathed in. “I don’t know what to do,” he confessed.

“That’s fine,” she said. “You don’t have to make yourself do-” 

“No, I mean, I don’t know what to do,” he interrupted. “I mean…I don’t know what sort of things that I’m meant to do, or how I’m meant to touch you. But…” He nearly jumped when Cassidy suddenly looked over her shoulder, but he quickly regained control. He inhaled. “But…I want to. And I want…”

She turned her whole body away from the sink then. “Do you want me to show you?” she asked directly. She made no move to touch him, however.

So Xavier took a small step forward. When she wasn’t wearing heels, they stood eye to eye. He breathed in, averting his eyes. “Yes…I do,” he said, ignoring the discomfort in his stomach. “But…just so you know, I probably won’t be any good,” he added hurriedly.

Her lips curled into a small smile. “I wouldn’t expect you to be,” she told him. “But that’s okay.” She glanced downward, and raised her hand to the laces of her shirt. 

Xavier’s hand came over hers, stopping it. Before she could say anything, he cupped her face and pressed his lips against hers, losing himself in the warmth of her skin. She feels and smells like summer, he thought, before his hand found her neck and he lowered his head to nuzzle into the softness, planting kisses against the base of her throat. He could feel Cassidy sway slightly, before suddenly tightening her grip on his hand. He looked up at her, feeling the heat come back to his face, and any confidence he had gained from kissing her retreated to the back of his mind. 

She noticed his discomfort and smiled reassuringly. She leant in again, for another kiss, and Xavier was suddenly aware of his zipper being pulled down, and the warmth of her fingers searching around the fabric of his-

He let out a yelp, as if he was a scared little puppy instead of a grown man. He felt the blood rush to his face, praying that Cassidy wouldn’t laugh. Their eyes met, and his chest tightened, as he felt the urge to bolt. Her hand backed away, but he was still trembling from her touch. “May I?” she asked gently. When he didn’t answer, she released his hand and rested it against his face, waiting again.

Xavier took in another deep breath, and nodded. In case that wasn’t enough for her, he put his hands on her waist, pulling her towards him. His lips found her again, and she relaxed quickly. Her fingers traced the edge of his waistband, Xavier’s breaths becoming shorter and shorter the further her hand went. When she first stroked him, he couldn’t help but shudder, gripping onto her like a lifeline. Her hand kept going, and just when Xavier thought he’d fall apart, she stepped away from him, chuckling slightly as he groaned in frustration. Finally there was a trace of the Cassie he was used to. He didn’t stop her as she stripped off her shirt and her shorts, nor when she wrapped herself around him, drawing him to the kitchen bench where she hopped up and looked down at him with eyes almost black, though there was still that slither of silver at the edge.

Forgetting everything, forgetting his promises, forgetting his duty, Xavier crushed her against him, kissing her breasts through the thin fabric of her bra and cupping her mound with his hand. His fingers pushed aside the flimsy underwear, running one down the entrance of her sex. When she let out a sigh, he looked up, surprised. Cassidy looked just as shocked, though she instantly recovered, making her face as neutral as possible. “I’m the one who should do the teasing,” she murmured. She wouldn’t look at him.

Xavier felt like grinning, but then her hand was stroking him again, and the pit in his stomach returned. Her grip was tighter than before, but it definitely wasn’t unpleasant. “Does this feel good? Or do you want more than this?” she asked him, taking back control.

Her touch was so warm, so tantalising that it made Xavier ache. “Please…” he managed to speak.

“Do you want to?”

“…yes.” He took the hand that was rubbing him, hesitating. No matter what Cassie said, he couldn’t stop now; the line had already been crossed. He did his best to ignore his heart throbbing in his chest, as he held her by her hips and finally buried himself inside her, sealing away his soul.

Madness took over. He grabbed her legs, kissing her frantically as he drove into her again and again. All his fear had vanished. The threat of his family was gone. The only thing that existed was the skinny little homeless girl he met three years ago- who now writhed beneath him on the granite benchtop, calling out his name. 

It had never been that simple though, and from that moment on, there would be absolutely nothing that could’ve described what she meant to him. The moment he finally collapsed into her, her name spilling out from his lips, Xavier could’ve died then and died happy. Instead, they slid onto the kitchen floor, wrapped in each other’s embrace. Neither of them wanted to move, especially him. For that moment of time, he had everything that he could ever want, and everything that he would never be allowed to have.