Addicted

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Things I have been/am not currently addicted to:

1- Delirium. Can you really blame me? It was a place where I could be strong and courageous instead of weak and useless. It gave me the opportunity to be this unstoppable force, and there was no better feeling.

2- Junk food. Then I decided that I’d hate myself even more if I was fat as well.

3- Cutting. This was back when I first tried to kill myself. I still couldn’t feel after that, and it took Daniel to make me snap out of it, another more powerful addiction.

4- Cracking my knuckles. I was even younger when I had this habit. For some reason, I always did it while playing video games. I don’t anymore.
Things I’m afraid of getting addicted to. A much longer list.

1- Prescription Medicine. Hence why I don’t take it. Probably should, but I’m too scared of the potential side effects, not to mention my negative history with St Johns Wort.

2- Sex. It’s not that I’ve got a problem with it, I just worry about the situations I could potentially get myself in because of it. And I can only think of the problems that it would cause if, for some reason, I happened to be in a relationship.

3- Not-so-Prescription Medicine. Ie, drugs. Togami mentions occasionally that one day I’ll be interested in experimenting, but right now, I’m too scared of permanently fucking up my already fucked up mental state to try.

4- Alcohol. Not likely, considering how the taste of my first drink wasn’t that good. But if I find a nice tasting alcoholic beverage, then this is likely to change.

5- Self Harm. If I am in that place where I have to mutilate my body just to gain some twisted sense of fulfilment, I’m checking myself into hospital. The end.

6- Shopping. I really don’t have that much money that I can afford to splurge it on luxuries like shoes and tea and corsets. If I’m going to be able to move out of home, I need to moderate.

7- Violence. I know that I’ve got that streak inside me. Right now, it festers as passive-agressiveness. And that’s where I want it to stay.
What I’m currently addicted to:

1- Modelling. I like people thinking that I’m beautiful. I like thinking that I’m beautiful. But I’m only capable of being that in front of a camera, and god knows for how long.

2- Friends. Mainly because if I’m by myself for too long, I’ll remember all the various reasons why I hate myself, which can contribute to why I don’t have friends in the first place.

3- Daniel. Probably the one lifeline I actually have. But what sort of life am I going to have if I can’t live without my imaginary best friend?

4- Anxiety. I thrive on those panic attacks where I can feel everything, pain and pleasure. I love to feel my heart race, to gulp down freezing cold air, right before my breathing gives out and I collapse from the feel of everything.

5- Depression. When the anxiety attack I’m hoping for just won’t come, I’ll just go lower and lower until I hit rock bottom and it hurts. Because then I’ll finally remember what better feels like.

6- Love. The scariest drug of them all.

My whole existence is a series of addictions, one after the other.

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Cat and Daniel in Bari

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Here’s the view from the breakfast table. This is Bari, the first stop on the cruise ship. And now here’s some snap shots.

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For some reason, after visiting the cathedral in Bari, we were taken to the fish markets. According to the lady, it was there that we could see an octopus getting its head smashed in, and also, there were men who apparently were prone to catcalling the pretty girls.

“Well this is delightful,” I said to Daniel as we walked through the markets, stinking of fish and guts.

“Yeah…and no one’s given me a wolf whistle yet.”

I rolled my eyes at Daniel’s vanity. “Come on, you already know that you’re hot.”

“Oh, is that a confession?”

I simply stuck my tongue out at him. “Silly Cat,” he chuckled. “I know what you-” He was cut off by a sudden wolf whistle.

“I think you’re being paged,” I informed him.

He shook his head. “Nope, that’s for you, Miss Madigan.” He angled his head towards the source of the sound.

I turned in that direction. A boy- yes, a teenage boy, not an old seedy fisherman- grinned at me when I caught his eye. “Ciao bella!” he called.

I immediately started giggling, as Daniel looked on in amusement. “Well isn’t this sweet. Cat Madigan is giggling over a boy.”

I just smiled. “I’m pretty,” I said simply.

Later on…

“Please tell me that you’re not going in,” Daniel pleaded as I made a beeline for the shoe shop.

“Ten euro for these boots!” I exclaimed, cheerfully ignoring Daniel. My own were tearing apart at the soles, and there was still a week left of this tour to go, with only my white sneakers which probably reeked of the fish market now, and my sandals, which were far from day shoes to walk around Katakolon in.

Plus there was the fact that they had black lace.

“You and your lace fetish,” Daniel scoffed.

At that moment, another pair of shoes caught my eye. “Okay, I’m sorry,” Daniel said. “Please buy the boots so we don’t have to stay here a moment longer. Please? Don’t go near that other pair, we’ll be in here all-”

It was then that a bunch of girls, nice ones, walked into the store. “…well, I’m doomed,” Daniel conceded, shaking his head.

Back on the boat…

“Sex on the beach,” I told the waiter.

“Well, if you insist…”

I ignored Daniel. “Zero,” I added.

“No alcohol?” Daniel enquired as the waiter walked away.

“One of us has to be sober,” I reminded him. “And it may as well be me as I’m not allowed to drink.”

“Oh yes, in Reality, you’re still a minor.” Daniel watched the waiter bring back my drink. “And therefore, should not be drinking something with a name like that. Allow me.” He reached for my Sex on the Beach.

“Get your own,” I told him. “Besides, I took you for a guy who had whiskey, or scotch. Not fruity cocktails.”

“Because you’ve never had alcohol, allow me to enlighten you,” Daniel said. “Alcohol is disgusting.”

I raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t stop you,” I pointed out.

“It’s not liquor, it’s medicine,” he insisted. “My point is, the only reason people became accustomed to alcohol was because there was a time where the only alternative was the water, which then was less than healthy. Think of the concept like you would coffee.”

At that I made a face. “Exactly. And it’s the same with alcohol. You’d only be able to drink it because you’ve gotten used to the taste. The fruity taste makes alcohol a lot better.”

“I see…” I spot Daniel’s flask in his coat pocket. “So what’s in that?”

“Medicine,” he repeated. “Nothing more, nothing less.” He took a swig.

After dinner…

“You must be joking.”

“Kaya wants to dance,” I told Daniel.

“This is the tarantella. Far from what she’s used to.”

I don’t care. Besides, Cat’s likely to get fat from all the food she’s been having. She needs to exercise.

“I went for a swim today, and we were walking around Bari this morning!”

Good for you. I still want to dance.

“I’m considering walking out of here now, to be honest.”

Are you really ready to listen to me bitch all night?

“…fair point.” With that, I closed my eyes and lifted myself out. Daniel took my hand and lead me to the seat next to the dance floor, and we sat and watched Kaya.

She was quite a good dancer, though it took her a bit to understand the Tarantella. But by the end, she was smiling and laughing, as if she hadn’t spent the last years of her life in fear and pain. “Did you enjoy yourself?” Daniel asked, when she came over.

She merely smiled. “You need to stretch more,” she informed me. “Your body is clumsy when it comes to dancing.”

I grimaced. My mother detests dancing. If she saw me- well, you -now, she’d have something to say about it.

“If I cared what my mother thought, then I would’ve taken my life before the espers got it,” she said flatly, ignoring Daniel’s and my discomfort at the idea. “Besides, your mother is not here, thank god.”

“Her father is,” Daniel inserted.

I wouldn’t worry about him, I informed them both.

“Yeah, he’s only interested in the tour,” Daniel said. “Our Cat Madigan has been good, in terms of her ‘blackouts’.”

“Do you go somewhere secret?” Kaya asked thoughtfully.

Sometimes, I said. It happens midday now, instead of the evenings. I just go to the bathroom when it happens.

“Well fetch me if she does it in public,” Kaya said to Daniel. “In case she screams as she did in Rome.”

Shut up Kaya.

“Fine.”>

Flying Cats

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I, Cat Madigan, have had an epiphany.

I hate flying.

It involves sitting down for hours, with little entertainment. And thanks to my mother, and her philosophy that yelling will make us faster, the only carry on luggage I remembered was my iPad and some pens and paper. None of the pens were working, and I had to switch said iPad off when preparing for takeoff and landing.

I have also learnt why people tell you not to fly when you have a cold.

Because it blows up your MOTHERFUDGING EARS!

So while I am waiting for the hearing to return in my left ear, I’m going to tell you about my journey today.

I was rudely awoken at four in the morning, and it was an awakening that involved coughing and spluttering, as I had a cold. My mother was not impressed. You see, the reasoning for us leaving to La La land was because I have National All Schools for athletics, which are held in La La land. However, I’m not as good at winning events when I have a cold, so my loving mother was in a foul mood on the way to the airport. So was I, now I remember.

Afterwards, my mother and brother decided to be in an exceptional chipper mood. I’m sure you can understand how the following would sound to one devoid of sleep and tea.

“Oh boy, this is gonna be awesome!”

“Holiday, holiday, we’re going on a holiday!”

“Sing with us Cat!”

Fudge no.

I don’t know when I’m going to get wifi, but I pray I live long enough to post this and get Papa Willis and Flash to save me.

As a conciliation, Daniel is reacting to flying worse than I currently am. Not sure whether deep down my imagination is trying to make me feel better, or my Delusions have a mind of their own. But Daniel was seated next to my brother for both flights. He wasn’t particularly happy about this, but it was the closest one to me that wasn’t taken.

I had to take two flights today; only the first one had television, and that was only for a while. When they were switched off for landing, I finally saw what happened to Daniel.

He looked green in the face, and was vomiting in the vomit bag. Tigger, of course, didn’t see. I grimaced. Not good, hmm?

“Shut up,” he mumbled back.

The second one was worse. I’m not sure how, but Daniel had somehow gotten ahold of a wine bottle from the trolley. I didn’t see what it was, but it made Daniel sing his favourite song…

And IIIIIIII Will Walk Five Hundered Miles, And IIIIIIII Will Walk Five Hundered M-bleeeeeeeugh!” Daniel was behind me this time, instead of across the aisle. “Next time, we’re taking a boat, I don’t care,” he swore drunkenly.

It was then that my left ear blew up. It has been at least two hours since then, and my hearing has still not returned. Back then, it was killing me. It pops up every now and then, which is hell.

My only source of relief is barely even that. My mother insisted on me buying a nasal decongestant spray, which I stick up my nose and inhale. And it makes my already sore brain hurt even more. I also bought some pills, and for some reason, my mother was adamant about me buying the ones called Sunafed. Even though the chemist with a degree in chemistry recommended a product which works exactly the same and is five bucks cheaper.

We arrived at LaLa land in the evening, and we took a bus to our backpackers hotel. Where, thank Christ, there is wifi! I can update all you imaginary readers on my hearing or lack thereof and Daniel’s drunken stupor, which may well last the whole trip.

At any rate, it’s time to continue being sick.

Mad Cat