My List Of Personalities

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Because I need to write something. Why not a list?

Starting….now.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Sleepy Cat

Mad Scientist

Antisocial Dragon

Cuckoolander

Evil Mastermind

Debbie Downer

Emo Cat Lady

Hollow Shell

Plaything

Queen of Steel

Funny Schizophrenia

Sociopath

Little Miss Hyde

The Hot in Psychotic

Kuudere

Poker face

Sex Goddess

Piglet-esque Anxiety

Pessimistic Idealist

And finally, Cat Madigan.

Whoever the hell that is.

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Addicted

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Things I have been/am not currently addicted to:

1- Delirium. Can you really blame me? It was a place where I could be strong and courageous instead of weak and useless. It gave me the opportunity to be this unstoppable force, and there was no better feeling.

2- Junk food. Then I decided that I’d hate myself even more if I was fat as well.

3- Cutting. This was back when I first tried to kill myself. I still couldn’t feel after that, and it took Daniel to make me snap out of it, another more powerful addiction.

4- Cracking my knuckles. I was even younger when I had this habit. For some reason, I always did it while playing video games. I don’t anymore.
Things I’m afraid of getting addicted to. A much longer list.

1- Prescription Medicine. Hence why I don’t take it. Probably should, but I’m too scared of the potential side effects, not to mention my negative history with St Johns Wort.

2- Sex. It’s not that I’ve got a problem with it, I just worry about the situations I could potentially get myself in because of it. And I can only think of the problems that it would cause if, for some reason, I happened to be in a relationship.

3- Not-so-Prescription Medicine. Ie, drugs. Togami mentions occasionally that one day I’ll be interested in experimenting, but right now, I’m too scared of permanently fucking up my already fucked up mental state to try.

4- Alcohol. Not likely, considering how the taste of my first drink wasn’t that good. But if I find a nice tasting alcoholic beverage, then this is likely to change.

5- Self Harm. If I am in that place where I have to mutilate my body just to gain some twisted sense of fulfilment, I’m checking myself into hospital. The end.

6- Shopping. I really don’t have that much money that I can afford to splurge it on luxuries like shoes and tea and corsets. If I’m going to be able to move out of home, I need to moderate.

7- Violence. I know that I’ve got that streak inside me. Right now, it festers as passive-agressiveness. And that’s where I want it to stay.
What I’m currently addicted to:

1- Modelling. I like people thinking that I’m beautiful. I like thinking that I’m beautiful. But I’m only capable of being that in front of a camera, and god knows for how long.

2- Friends. Mainly because if I’m by myself for too long, I’ll remember all the various reasons why I hate myself, which can contribute to why I don’t have friends in the first place.

3- Daniel. Probably the one lifeline I actually have. But what sort of life am I going to have if I can’t live without my imaginary best friend?

4- Anxiety. I thrive on those panic attacks where I can feel everything, pain and pleasure. I love to feel my heart race, to gulp down freezing cold air, right before my breathing gives out and I collapse from the feel of everything.

5- Depression. When the anxiety attack I’m hoping for just won’t come, I’ll just go lower and lower until I hit rock bottom and it hurts. Because then I’ll finally remember what better feels like.

6- Love. The scariest drug of them all.

My whole existence is a series of addictions, one after the other.

The Shrink List(s)

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Why I need to see a psychologist

1- Without one, I end up using the few people who remain my friends as a surrogate, much to their dismay. Seriously, they have enough drama. And they don’t even get paid.

2- Even though I’ve identified my problem area -a chronically pessimistic mindset- I still don’t have the stategies to deal with it on my own.

3- I need a constant. Modelling opportunities decrease when school comes back, and friends disappear when it’s time for exams. Family doesn’t qualify as a constant; the mood of the household changes on a daily basis. 

4- I’m lonely as fuck. I need someone to talk to that isn’t a Shadow. Or a feline.

Why I can’t see a psychologist

1- I don’t have enough time to study, model, exercise, lie in bed and stare into space, cry, draw, write AND talk about my problems.

2- Finding a new place is difficult. Must be reasonably close to school/home, and if not, would have to provide taxi/bus vouchers for me to get home before dark. Only government practices would have those, and I imagine those practices only cater to those under eighteen. If I went to one of those, I’d have to go through the same process once again from the fourteenth of September.

3- Finding someone I can communicate with is worse. Cheerful people I can’t take seriously when I’m having a bad day. However, a sense of humour is necessary as well, considering how most of my communication consists of awkward jokes about my cynicism and self depreciation. Being open minded is compulsory, though why you’d choose a career in psychology if you weren’t is beyond me. Being able to discuss philosophy and ideas is an added bonus. And above all, they have to understand the situation with my parents, and what should and shouldn’t be said in front of them. Finding a human with all these qualities on the first go is difficult. And trial and error is very discouraging.

4- Three words: Duty. Of. Care. Granted, this only remains a problem till Monday September 14th 2015, but there’s the dilemma of surviving August, which seems to be a particular time where everything comes crashing down once again.

Just writing and writing and getting stuff out of my system. Have a nice day humans. 

Cat Madigan.

Haven’t signed off in a long time actually.

The Worst Thing About Being Sick List

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Yup…Mad Cat’s gotten sick again. Seriously, what is up with this immune system? Just because my brain doesn’t work doesn’t mean it can have a holiday too…

Anyway, Cat’s going to make yet another list.

Presenting, the Stuff That Happens When Cat Madigan Gets Bored/Sick List.

Tadaaaaaaa.

1- Cat is left at home all day, by herself, which often leaves her feeling depressed/friendless.

2- Being depressed/friendless is usually what makes Daniel pop up. Which is wonderful.

3- Cat is unable to eat, because she can’t keep anything down. And hunger leads to bad moods, and bad moods often leads to grumpy Cats.

4- Her family, the biological one, when she’s sick, take delight in having dessert when she’s unable to eat anything. And they very very rarely have dessert, and when they do have dessert, its almost like it’s a public holiday, like Christmas or Easter.

This is an example of how this is played out…

Happy Icecream Day! What’s that Cat? You’re dying? Awww, looks like you can’t have icecre-

HEY! Cat, you’re not meant to have that, you’re sick remember? There. Now you’ve chucked it up, now isn’t that-

RRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOW! SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

OWWWWW! That’s my #*%$*@!@&$* hand!

5- Cat Madigan has a nasty habit of getting bored…

6- When Cat Madigan gets bored, she writes $h!tty posts like this, which is never good.

7- Cat doesn’t have internet on her iPad at home, so she suffers from Doctor Who withdrawal as well as whatever the hell she gets sick with now.

8- Criminal Minds Withdrawal.

9- Game of Thrones Withdrawal.

10- Black Butler Withdrawal.

11- Benedict Cumberbatch Withdrawal, resulting in lots of stalkerish artwork.

12- Cat starts killing off characters in the story she’s currently working on. This wouldn’t be too bad if she didn’t happen to be making detailed plots reminiscent of Saw.

13- She starts playing Horror Games. Seriously, isn’t there enough wrong with her head?!

14- Cat Madigan plays dress up.

15- Cat cosplays as Grell Sutcliff.

15- Cat Madigan ends up dressing up in something that looks almost like lingerie.

17- Cat starts dancing.

18- Cat’s mother walks in on her dancing. Cat’s mother is more disturbed by that fact that her daughter dances than the fact that she was wearing an almost see through black nightgown.

21- Daniel turns up and Cat has to immediately put something over said black nightgown, much to his disappointment.

22- Cat and Daniel have a catfight.

24- Daniel, for some reason, tries on Cat’s ballgown.

23- Cat explains to Daniel why he can’t be a character in her story; because he would end up annoying everyone till they all committed suicide.

24- Cat starts to draw Daniel.

25- She intentionally makes him look like a girl, and Daniel ends up making her tear up the drawing.

26- Cat starts going on Tumblr…fortunately, she puts an end to it when Daniel begins to run around screaming out “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!”

29- Cat Madigan intentionally skips some points in this post. How many can you find?

30- Cat Madigan giggles at the thought of the reader going through her post to find her missing points, only to remember that no one actually reads her $h!t.

31- Cat falls asleep.

32- Daniel wakes her up, pretending she’s set fire to her room again.

33- Daniel gets a black eye.

34- Cat and Daniel watch Pewdiepie play Heavy Rain.

35- Cat skips the topless scene, much to the disappointment of you-know-who.

36- Cat notes that if her brother was taken, her parents probably wouldn’t give a shit.

37- Cat eats toast, and of course, vomits it up.

38- Cat is now going to stop typing so Daniel can drag her to bed before she vomits on the keyboard.

39- Did you also know that Cat typed 15 and 24 twice?

Night night. <3

Mad Cat