The Shrink List(s)

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Why I need to see a psychologist

1- Without one, I end up using the few people who remain my friends as a surrogate, much to their dismay. Seriously, they have enough drama. And they don’t even get paid.

2- Even though I’ve identified my problem area -a chronically pessimistic mindset- I still don’t have the stategies to deal with it on my own.

3- I need a constant. Modelling opportunities decrease when school comes back, and friends disappear when it’s time for exams. Family doesn’t qualify as a constant; the mood of the household changes on a daily basis. 

4- I’m lonely as fuck. I need someone to talk to that isn’t a Shadow. Or a feline.

Why I can’t see a psychologist

1- I don’t have enough time to study, model, exercise, lie in bed and stare into space, cry, draw, write AND talk about my problems.

2- Finding a new place is difficult. Must be reasonably close to school/home, and if not, would have to provide taxi/bus vouchers for me to get home before dark. Only government practices would have those, and I imagine those practices only cater to those under eighteen. If I went to one of those, I’d have to go through the same process once again from the fourteenth of September.

3- Finding someone I can communicate with is worse. Cheerful people I can’t take seriously when I’m having a bad day. However, a sense of humour is necessary as well, considering how most of my communication consists of awkward jokes about my cynicism and self depreciation. Being open minded is compulsory, though why you’d choose a career in psychology if you weren’t is beyond me. Being able to discuss philosophy and ideas is an added bonus. And above all, they have to understand the situation with my parents, and what should and shouldn’t be said in front of them. Finding a human with all these qualities on the first go is difficult. And trial and error is very discouraging.

4- Three words: Duty. Of. Care. Granted, this only remains a problem till Monday September 14th 2015, but there’s the dilemma of surviving August, which seems to be a particular time where everything comes crashing down once again.

Just writing and writing and getting stuff out of my system. Have a nice day humans. 

Cat Madigan.

Haven’t signed off in a long time actually.

The Why-I-Hate-WordPress List

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Okay. These are the reasons I haven’t posted.

1- Writing about Delirium and Daniel is hard because emotions.

2- Writing about Delirium and Daniel is hard because memories are scrambled and I can’t find the specific dates for anything and there’s a whole block missing from ages thirteen to fourteen that I’m trying to find but can’t.

3- Whenever I write something up, it doesn’t save.

4- Whenever I write something up and it does save and I get around to posting, it decides “Hey, you know what? Fuck those extra thousand words you’ve written, I only like that single paragraph you wrote. So let’s keep that.”

5- Modelling. Which has been going well recently.

6- School. Which I really don’t feel like talking about.

7- Resume crap. Which I have nothing to show.

8- Procrastination via creepy video games. Lots of fun. Not good for sanity or schoolwork though. Or updating my blog for that matter.

9- Self destruction, through a lethal cocktail of isolation, rough unsatisfying sex and long periods of moping where I question the nature of my existence.

Aaaaaand, that’s it.

Spirit

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I’m not a ghost, I’m a dream. There’s a difference. 

Ghosts have a reason for being here; they desperately want to be human again, even though it’s impossible. 

Dreams, however, were never human to begin with. And they don’t want to be; they’re just here to show us everything that could be, good or otherwise.

Another thing; dreams have no purpose, no logical reason to exist. But…we’d miss dreams if we no longer had them, wouldn’t we?

The Other Side of Anxiety

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This is new.

I’ve become so used to not feeling that I’d almost accepted that I’d never be able to feel anything else.

I inhale; and I take in the sensations of the cold, cleansing, sweet smelling air, the crashing cry of thunder, and the constant pounding of my blood through my veins. It’s more than that though, I can feel the Earth moving around me, surging around me, flying around me.

I want to run, I want to cry, I want to sing. I want to experience everything, pleasant or otherwise. I want to feel while I still can. It’s never felt so good, or so terrifying to be alive.

Cats and Bondage

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Also known as why I choose to be wary of badly written fanfiction/Fifty Shades of Grey.

By the way, the books are terrible, as is the movie. I wouldn’t feel the need to bring it up if it weren’t for the massive outcry that it portrays BDSM in the wrong way. If human beings were an intelligent species, then this would go without saying; this is literally fanfiction from Twilight. A number of things should become apparent from this knowledge; A, it features an average ordinary girl who has the personality of a dishcloth, and a Heathcliff. 

As for why I despise Heathcliff, let us leave that for another random blog post. That might take too long.

B, It is pure fantasy. The entire purpose for fanfiction is so that fans can create the story that they want from the given source material. Aka, FANTASY. Whether or not it applies to aforementioned source material/reality does not matter.

C, More often than not…the fanfiction isn’t that good. Especially fanfiction that’s based on a typical young adult novel that involves romance. Because the writer in question (I’d put writer in inverted commas if it weren’t for the backlash I’d receive from nonexistent readers for the characterisation) is often prone to creating an idealised version of themselves as the character. This is called a Mary Sue, and it’s that stereotype that makes up the Bellas and Anas in the world. Anyway, the reason why this is bad for stories is that when the story revolves around aforementioned Mary Sue, it creates an atmosphere where you already know what’s going to happen. Things will always wind up in her favour, whether she actually deserves it or not. Supporting cast will always support her, apart from obvious antagonists. Eventually, you’ll get sick of the story, and the Mary Sue. Or worse, you’ll love her, and act exactly the same way.

Okay, so now you’ve realised these three things, this is what you should understand from this; this is a fantasy, and therefore, you should not take this as a literal representation of BDSM, or relationships for that matter. It’s okay to enjoy it, and to be curious about dominant-submissive relationships, but you have to remember that this is a work of fiction, and the rules of reality don’t apply here.

This would go without saying if humans in this universe had more than two brain cells. However…it appears it’s not the case. As a result, impressionable women are seeing Christian Grey as their ideal man, which is not a healthy thing to be believing.

I think the appeal is partly because of the ‘bad boy that can be tamed by the sweet girl’ trope. Like Beauty and the Beast. For Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s the ‘shattered individual is healed by the sweet girl’s vagina’ trope. And I can understand the appeal; people want to believe in something as idealistic as love. Love is great. Love makes you human. Love also makes you stupid. This is why I recommend that people take this stuff with a pinch of salt, because the main message being projected towards the audience is basically “anything is possible, because…love”. One can only imagine the consequences of this when it comes to impressionable humans. Especially girls. I’m not stereotyping; like it or not, the majority of romance dramas are aimed at women, and obviously they’ll identify with the movie more than men will.

So what are these aforementioned consequences of thinking this way for silly humans? As a member of a private girls college who observes the actions of her classmates on a daily basis when there’s nothing to do, I can provide several situations. Candy (yes, I’m intentionally using names from the What Not to Call Your Daughter List) may acquire the idea that if she ‘loves’ her lazy, emotionally distant boyfriend, he’ll end up changing for the better. Lexi might start thinking that she’s not worth anything unless she has a hot guy to love. And Krystal could decide to go along with her boyfriend’s selfishness and wandering penis, because…love.

I am an extremely cynical human being. 

Then again, at least I’m not stupid.

Here’s the general gist of what I’m trying to tell you all.

You’re not a slut/idiot/perve/ditz for reading or watching Fifty Shades of Grey. Curiosity is part of human nature, and it’s okay to read naughty books from time to time. And it’s also okay to try out new things that you might come across in the book if it strikes your fancy. Personally, one of my limits is getting caned or whipped, for obvious reasons, but I do enjoy trying new things and seeing what I enjoy and what I don’t in a safe environment. 

You can enjoy reading about sex, even if it is considered badly written. I remember Daniel and I used to play a drinking game in Delirium where we had to read it aloud for as long as possible without laughing, and the other person had to down drinks until the reader cracked a smile, (the game was surprisingly balanced; between my ability to read faster and therefore laugh earlier and Daniel’s ability to gulp a glass of garnet dew in a matter of seconds, we ended up drinking the same amount per turn). Anyway, that was my way of enjoying it, and I invite you to enjoy it however you choose to. 

It’s okay to like it for what it is; fiction. This is not a guide to living and it shouldn’t be interpreted as such. BDSM should not be an excuse or an outlet for abuse, and love should never be an excuse for anything. 

And on a shorter note; to all the feminists who scream negative crap about women in general who willingly choose to play the submissive role in BDSM relationships, feminism is about women having the right to engage in whatever activity they choose to without judgement, and you’re imposing on this right by saying that sexually submitting to a man makes you nothing more than a plaything. Women should be allowed to express their sexuality however they want; they are just as entitled to be dominant as they are to be submissive. They can choose be sexually active or celebate. They can choose to only have sex with the man (or woman) they’re married to, or they can choose to have multiple partners. THATS NOT UP TO YOU.

Rant over. Sup?

Better Than Me

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I should really stop dreaming.

Also, there was a legitimate reason for me not posting. WordPress on my iPad wasn’t working. Not to mention Year 12 is crushing my soul. 

Anyway. Flashbacks fucking suck. The end. 

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 “Well? What do you think?”

I jump as the man behind me speaks suddenly. After quickly looking around for humans, I speak. “What do you mean?” 

 “I know you know,” he says flatly. 

 “About what?” 

 “About what just happened. Come on. What do you think?” 

 I turn around slowly. “Kaya…disappeared. After someone crashed into the palace, right?” 

 “…you know that someone, don’t you?” 

 “…” 

 “Who was it? Did you see them?” I can see that Daniel’s trying to keep his voice as non threatening as possible, but I can still feel the tension radiating from him. 

“…I didn’t need to,” I whisper. “There’s no one else it would be.” 

 “Who?” 

 “He killed her,” I say to him. “How could you not consider him?” 

 He’s silent for a moment. “You mean…” 

 “Yes.” 

 “But he’s in hiding. Why would he steal Kaya?” 

 “I don’t know. Because he can?” I feel drained from this conversation. Daniel’s eyes won’t leave my face, as if I’m hiding something. Which I am.

“You know what Kaya’s capable of,” I explain. “If he could control Kaya, imagine what he could do.”

It dawns on him. Even though this is more of an attempt to sway his attention away from the truth of her death, it is a genuine concern, not just for him, but for Kaya’s world. Not that I care. “You’ve got a point,” he says. “With Kaya’s body on life support, it wouldn’t take much for someone like him to reanimate her. She’d be a true weapon then.” My blood runs cold at the image of Kaya taking a step like a puppet dangling from a string, so much closer to reality than he realises. “I don’t understand why he’d leave her on the lake after killing her though,” he argues. “Why would he let the enemy take her back only to retrieve her again? As a result, we now have new information concerning Esper tech. Not to mention it would be a more effective strategy to leave us in the dark on Kaya’s status.”

“I don’t know. Maybe he’s just showing off. Showing us that he can infiltrate the castle. Putting us on edge.”

“Why not just kill us then?”

I frown. I didn’t take Daniel to be the type to not percieve this. “Obviously he wants to torture us before he kills us. It would be more fun for him that way.” I let my disgust of the monster show on my face.

Daniel just stares at me. “Since when do you know how psychos work?” he enquires.

I shake my head. “I’ve been watching monsters longer than you,” I told him. “Their insanity isn’t that hard to pick up on.”

Daniel accepts my excuse. “Still, it’s a big risk, letting us take her back. Would he really gamble the goals of the Espers for a quick thrill?” he contemplates.

“He’s not working for them,” I object too quickly. Immediately, Daniel’s face becomes suspicious again. I quickly clarify. “I think he hates them as much as he hates us,” I say. “He has no side but his own.” Just like Kaya.

Daniel watches me for a moment, and I worry that he’s picked up on what I didn’t say. For a moment, I feel guilty that I’m keeping this from him. If our roles were reversed, I’d want to know the truth. Then he speaks again. “He’s like you then,” he concludes. “No other concern except for himself. Maybe it’s not just Kaya’s viewpoint that makes you understand him.”

His words are cruel, and they sting as if he slapped me. Why was that necessary? I look away from him, gritting my teeth in silence. One thing was for certain; any pity or guilt I felt for him immediately vanished.

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That incident didn’t stay on my mind for long. Things at home were horrible, and though Daniel’s words stayed in my head long afterwards, I focused on other things.

Then he found out.

I didn’t speak to him when he appeared in my room. I never did. I always waited for him to start talking. And then he did. “Suicide,” he said flatly. 

My stomach leapt. 

“It was suicide,” he repeated. “Kaya knew she was going to die. And she did it anyway.” He stared at me, no set expression on his face. Then his eyes narrowed. “How long did you know?”

“…from the beginning,” I admitted, closing my eyes and shutting off my computer. I pushed it aside and sat up.

“Why?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“She didn’t want me to.”

“That’s not for her to decide,” he argued. “For gods sake, she was your friend too. How could you just accept this?”

I was shaking. “What could’ve I done?” I pleaded. “I couldn’t go into your world, remember? What could’ve I done to stop her?” Daniel continued to glare at me. “You don’t think I tried to stop her? After she told me, I begged her not to do this. But she ignored me, and then she was gone…” I took in a deep breath. “I knew her plan,” I admitted. “But there was only so much I could do. After she left, there was no way-“

“You could’ve told me!” he shouted. “I could’ve stopped her!”

“You would’ve. And then Kaya would been thrown in prison for conspiracy to high treason,” I retorted. 

“But that bastard would still be in jail. They would’ve released Kaya-“

“They killed her mother!” I blurted out. “And they wanted Kaya dead too, five years ago. Don’t you get it? This way, those men will die at the hands of the Espers. This is her revenge.”

“She wouldn’t give her life-“

“She would. You know that, don’t you?”

“I…” Daniel’s face was mixed with rage and despair. That’s when I figured it. He already knew that she’d give her life for this. That wasn’t the issue. It was that Kaya would throw him to the sharks too, despite everything they went through together. 

“Daniel…” The name was strange on my tongue. I had never called him by name before, and it was awkward. “I’m sorry,” I said at last. There wasn’t really anything else I could say.

Daniel quietly looked up at me. Immediately, I tensed up, already anticipating what was coming. And I was right. “Of course, it would be fine for you,” he spoke darkly. “None of this effects you. Even if Kaya’s dead. All you have to do is sit back and watch everyone die. That shouldn’t be too difficult.”

I had gotten up from my bed and had been pacing up and down my room for a while now, randomly picking up stuff from the floor, as if that would stop his words from hurting. He went on. “Nereida, Kaya, you’ve watched people die before. You’ll probably cheer when one of the Espers tears my fucking head off-“

That’s when I swung around, my fist smashing against his face. He stumbled back, caught off guard. Immediately, I backed away slightly, waiting for him to react. I just knew he’d get back at me. I knew that it was only a matter of seconds before I was lying on the ground getting the shit kicked out of me. I had no idea what possessed me to hit him.

Moments passed, and I realised that the blows I had been bracing myself for never came. Daniel just stood there, watching me, as if I was some strange beast that had escaped its cage. He once stared at Kaya the same way, in fact. “I deserved that,” he said finally. “I…shouldn’t have-“

“Shut the fuck up,” I hissed suddenly. His eyes widened. “How dare you. What do you take me for? I’m not…I’m not this twisted psycho who gets off on watching people die!” I was steadily losing control, but I didn’t give a crap. “Do you think I enjoy being able to do nothing? Do you think I’m happy to just sit there while people I care about die?! Why…” I tightened my hands into fists. “Why do you think I’d want you to die?!”

I could’ve slapped him for the incredulous look on his face. “You don’t?”

“No…” The anger quickly evaporated, and I was left trying to hold back what seemed like an endless supply of tears. “Don’t be stupid. If you died…” There’d be no one left to help me, I finished in my head. But I wouldn’t say them out loud to him. 

“…I spent the last few minutes verbally abusing you. You should hate me,” Daniel countered.

“I don’t.” I feel tired all of a sudden, and I sit down on the bed. “Kaya…was important to you too. I can understand how you feel.”

“….how do you do that?” he asked quietly. 

“…do what?” 

“Justify it. How can you allow people to do things to you that you can just sweep under the rug?”

I thought about that for a moment. It was just so…natural, that I never even questioned it until now. “It’s just…” I struggled to say, “it’s not like there aren’t more horrible people than them.”

“Like who?” Daniel retorted. “Is it even possible to hate someone who’s never done anything to you?”

“Yeah. It is.” If I looked at Daniel, I would burst into tears, so I kept my eyes firmly closed. “You were right, you know. About people who can’t do anything. Sometimes you can hate people so much just because they were involved and couldn’t, or didn’t, do anything to stop it.”

“…you mean…”

“…I’m sorry,” I said to him in a whisper. “I need to be alone.”

“You’re shaking…”

“I don’t care. Just go. Please,” I begged. 

For the first time since I had known him, Daniel did as I asked. I was finally left alone to shed the tears that I had locked in for the entire conversation. And for the rest of the night, I lay there, holding my knees and hating myself.

Next thing I knew, I was in Delirium.

Self Conversation

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You’re being angsty and edgy again mate.

For some reason, you sound like Togami.

Whatever. Would you prefer me to sound like Kaya? Or Daniel?

Do whatever the fuck you want. You’re my head, after all.

So what are you doing out here?

Like you said, being angsty and edgy.

Why are you being angsty and edgy though?

Why the hell would you care?

I am you. And I’m not sure if you know yourself.

I do. Somewhat.

Then enlighten me.

I can’t finish my IT.

…that’s it?

No. Of course not, otherwise I wouldn’t be breaking down, would I?

Fine then. What else is there?

The fact that I can’t finish anything I start.

You finished one thing.

That doesn’t count and you know it.

I see. So we’re discounting anything involving mass destruction?

…yes.

Very well.

My point is, I can barely finish the things that interest me, let alone things that don’t even peak that interest.

And?

It makes me feel bad about myself. Because I want to be able to finish, but I just feel so…unmotivated.

In other words, your depression decides to add a few pounds so that you can’t do shit.

Precisely.

Then again, that could just be you making excuses.

That is another thing. I’m probably just lazy, and I just blame it on the mental illness.

Then get over it. Stop hating yourself. Give yourself proof that you’re not a bad person. Actually work.

Oh, I get it. You can’t. There is something physically weighing you down. You just can’t tell if it’s just mental illness or laziness.

…yeah.

Well you’ve got to get over it. Your future lies in the balance. This shit is year 12, make or break year.

I want to be able to…

…but you don’t think you can?

No.

Why not?

Because I can’t finish anything, even if I set my mind to it. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, fuck, I don’t even know what my morals are!

Ohhhh, I see. It’s not just self hate. It’s guilt.

For some part.

Togami? Ash?

Yup.

I don’t know what you see in them. Togami’s a self absorbed prick and you’ve seen your other suitor. If one can call him that.

Togami appears to believe that I can get better. It’s not a relationship anyway. As for Ash…yeah, I can’t make excuses. He’s a sleaze bag.

So it’s Ash that you’re guilty about, not Togami.

Yeah. Everyone hates him.

Except for you.

I hate him too. Just not enough to stop seeing him.

Are you going to sleep with him again?

No.

Good. Now stick to it. Don’t let him seduce you with Sword Art Online.

Shaddup.

But that’s not it.

Of course it’s not.

Jeezus. It never stops, does it? What is it with being seventeen? Does something change suddenly that lures in hot dudes? Hehee. Cat Madigan 101: How to pick up hot dudes.

Oi.

Okay. Togami I’ll let you off the hook for. Ash, you’re kinda a bad person for. So what about candidate number three?

…he’s insanely intelligent, sweet and not condescending. And probably isn’t at all interested in me in that way.

…he asked you to the fucking movies. On fucking VALENTINES DAY.

…it’s Valentines Day on Saturday?

Argh….yes. And you’ve got a fucking date.

…he’s probably called it off. I’m a nutcase, as he’s now well aware.

Whatever…I know where this is going. ‘Why would he be interested in me? I’m insane, I’m ugly, I’m retarded. He’s going to lose interest in me eventually.’

Of course.

So what? You’re going to let a potential relationship slide out of your grasp?

Look, if he’s not interested in me, he’s not interested in me. And chances are, even if he is, he’ll eventually decide that I’m not worth the trouble.

If that’s the case, then what are you alive for?

Hmm?

You’re insane, ugly and retarded, as you pointed out. You’re lazy, because you’re not finishing the work you need to. And you’ll never be desirable to anyone because of those things. So why are you still alive?

…because I don’t have the guts to kill myself.

Oh, I see. So you’re just a waste of space, taking up everyone’s time and oxygen. You’re disgusting.

I hate myself.

As you should.

But…

What?

…I hate you more.

I hate you, the voice in my head that reminds me how horrible I am. You’re the one thing standing in the way of me living a normal life. You’ve always been there, clinging to me like a chain around my neck. I know what you are…

You are that miserable illness that’s been eating away at me since I was six. You just sit there and whisper things to me and feast on the pain it produces. I hate you far more than I’ll ever hate myself.

So kill me.

I can’t.

Of course you can. All you need is a bullet in the brain to take away the pain. Heh, I should be a poet.

No. I’m going to live.

No you’re not.

I am. I’m going to live so that every day for the rest of my life, I can tell you to go fuck yourself.

Everything you said was true.

No. Everything you said was true. It could happen. But then again, it might not. But I think I’ll stay around and find out.

You’re not going to survive me.

I will. I’m stronger than you. Look at what I survived already.

Give it up. I’m the one you should fear.