Madigan Music

Standard

Because I suck at emotional responses unless there’s an epic soundtrack playing in the back of my head. And I need to get back into the knack of writing after having not updated for a year. 

Music For When I’m Not A Pathetic Lump For Once And Can Pass For Someone With A Spine

  • Bonfire—Warrant
  • Gangster’s Paradise—Coolio
  • Break The Rules—Charli XCX
  • Boogeyman—Black Casino And The Ghost
  • Wolf In Sheeps Clothing—Set It Off
  • Love Love—Take That
  • Kidz—Take That
  • Meglovania—Undertale OST
  • Burn My Dread—Persona 3 OST
  • Power—Kanye West
  • Inside—Warmer
  • Fallen Leaves
  • Mr Brightside—The Killers
  • My People—The Killers
  • Bad Reputation—Joan Jett
  • Beyond The Void—Arkana
  • Frag Out—DJ Assass1n
  • Get Jinxed!—League Of Legends

Music To Enhance Manic-Pixie-Dream-Girl Mode

  • Listen You Little—Acid Usagi
  • Outside—Ellie Goulding + Calvin Harris
  • Booyah—Showtek feat. We Are Loud & Sonny Eilson
  • This Is Halloween—Marilyn Manson
  • Lolita—The Veronicas
  • Money—Mystery Skulls
  • The Scatman—Scatman John
  • N Battle Theme—Pokemon Black & White OST
  • Take Me Over—Peking Duk
  • Expand—Paris Blohm
  • Hello—OMFG
  • I’m A Pirate You Are A Princess—Nightcore 
  • Little Talks—Of Monsters And Men
  • Mt Eden—Sierra Leone
  • Monochrome No Kiss—Kuroshituji OST
  • Finale—Madeon
  • Outro—M83
  • Midnight City—M83
  • Limelight—Boy In A Band + Cryaotic
  • Lavender Town Remix
  • This Is Felicitas—K-391
  • The Bounds Of The Universe—Ivan Torrent
  • Get Jinxed!
  • Immortals—Fall Out Boy
  • Bonescuffle Remix—DM DOKURO

Music To Aid My Mental Breakdowns

  • In My Head It’s Like Hell—Warmer
  • The Diary of Jane—Breaking Benjamin
  • Breathe Me—Sia
  • TV—Eves The Behavior 
  • Fragments—An Unkindness
  • No Angels—Bastille ft. Ella Eyre
  • Where Butterflies Never Die—Broken Iris
  • Who’s That Girl—Hilary Duff
  • Aggravate—brandonsong
  • So Far—Ólafur Arnalds feat. Arnór Dan
  • Records—Paul Conrad
  • Chop Suey!—System Of A Down

Music To Help Me Cry When I Need To Cry

  • Silent Partner—Ether
  • Don’t You Worry Love—Warmer
  • Mountains—Message To Bears
  • Black Sun—Beyond: Two Souls OST
  • The Scientist—Coldplay
  • Everyone’s Waiting—Missy Higgins
  • Hello—Adele
  • Bittersweet Symphony—The Verve
  • Better Than Me—Hinder
  • Right Where It Belongs—Nine Inch Nails

Music For When I’m A Sex Goddess

  • Apoidea—Roman Remains
  • Closer—Nine Inch Nails
  • Drumming Song—Florence + The Machine
  • Do I Wanna Know?—Arctic Monkeys
  • Ultranumb—Blue Stahli
  • Fomenta—Antonio Castrignanò
  • Führe Mich (Nymphomaniac OST)—Rammstein
  • We Dance To A Different Disco—Short Stack
  • Bones—MsMr
  • Kitty Hawk—Ki:Theory
  • In Your Bed—Ariana & The Rose

Music When I Need Imagination Fuel

  • Attack On Titan OST
  • Toothless Hawkins And His Robot Jazz Band—Varien & Razihel
  • Building The Crate—Chicken Run
  • Right Here Right Now—Fatboy Slim
  • Dogstar—Hybrid
  • Cracks—Freestylers ft. Belle Humble
  • Dark Shadows—T.T.L
  • Paradise—Coldplay
  • Licht und Schatten—Yutaka Yamada
  • Unravel—Tokyo Ghoul OST
  • Diminuendo—Lawless feat. Britt Warner
  • Reborn—Dreamfall Chapters OST
  • Eyes Wide Open—Tony Anderson
  • Spanish Sahara—Foals

Music That Actual Helps Me Chill

  • Waiting For You—Unlike Pluto
  • Carry Me Away—Rootkit
  • 1955—Hilltop Hoods feat. Montaigne & Tom Thum
  • Ixode—Zola Jesus
  • Sucker For Pain—Suicide Squad OST
  • Breathe In—Amarante
  • I Love It—Hilltop Hoods feat. Sia
  • Silent Hill 2 Intro OST
  • Spectrum—Boy In A Band
  • All You Zombies—The Hooters
  • The Pain—Robbie Miller
  • Stressed Out—twenty one pilots
  • Money—Mystery Skulls

Hide

Standard

There’s nothing more humiliating that bursting into tears during class. For absolutely no fucking reason. Or at least, one that would make sense to anyone but you.

It’s not necessarily an explosion, per se. There’s no trembling in the earth, no sound to be heard. I’d consider myself more like a waterfall than a volcano. I’m absolutely motionless as my tears fall, so no one realises what’s going on until my teacher comes up to me and asks to see my work, and they all turn towards me and see my tears.

Payne looks at me in mock sympathy. I know she doesn’t mean it, because she immediately whispers something and laughs to the girl next to her. My face is still as stone, but underneath, the feelings boil and hiss.

I don’t speak to Mrs S on the way out; she’s talking to a student, and although I know she’d want to speak to me, I know that she doesn’t have enough time to actually help, so I quickly get out of the way and hurry off to Math. I only last half the lesson before I hurry out, just wanting to lock myself away and cry.

Then Shiny comes out, calling my name. My new math teacher, who’s only been vaguely informed of my blackouts, and has probably got no idea about my growing death wish. So now, not only is he going to see me crying for no reason, but people will know that I’m out here.

I’ve got no choice but to stop. He catches up to me and takes in the sight of my wet face and scarlet cheeks. “I’ll give you five minutes to calm down,” he says. “But next time, tell me when you’re going.”

I nod, and he lets me go. I don’t bother to argue with him, but while I walk away, all the reasons why I can’t keep this promise to him flow through my mind; if I did, they’d send someone with me. And there was no one in that class that I’d be willing to let them see my tears; he might send frigging Payne with me.

The bathroom is empty. I grab onto the sink for dear life and break down sobbing. At last, the bubbling inside stops, everything simmers down, and I feel calmer, even sleepy.

Suddenly I hear footsteps.

Self preservation kicks in, and I go onto one of the stalls, though the girl opens the door to the bathroom a second before I close the door to the cubicle. “Cat?”

It’s not Payne, thank god. It’s one of her friends though, albeit one far nicer than that stuck up cow. I take a moment to breathe in enough air so I can say “I’m fine” without letting my voice crack.

“No you’re not, you’re in here,” she replies. “What’s wrong?”

How should I know? “I’ll be fine,” I lie. “I just need to collect myself.”

“Okay…” Her voice is skeptical, but I hear her retreat from my hiding spot. I take a few more moments to sob silently, to get that rest of that stored up energy out, before I dry my face and head out of the stall.

She’s still waiting. “Is there anything I can do?” She doesn’t ask me what’s wrong, and for that I’m grateful.

“No,” I tell her. I wash my hands and we start heading back.

“Are you okay now?”

I grin brightly. “No.”

She frowns. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Contradict yourself.”

“Everyone does it, not just me,” I tell her, before I open the door and things go back to normal.

Go Away Daniel…

Standard

My only friend in the world was in my room when I came up from dinner. “I know what happened,” he told me. “It’s not your fault.”

“Oh really?” My voice was hollow.

“They kept yelling. What did you think was going to happen?”

“Something that didn’t involve me trying to smash a plate in front of them?” He tried to speak but I didn’t give him the chance. “Daniel, normal people don’t just…snap like that. There’s something…very, very wrong with me, you know there is.”

“I can’t say there isn’t,” he admitted. “It’s not your fault though-”

“That’s a lie,” I interrupted. “If I did the work my school wanted me to, I wouldn’t be falling apart like this. I wouldn’t be such a fucking nut-”

“You couldn’t do the work!” Daniel exploded. “Cat, you’re not well. You’ve never been well. But that’s the only reason why you’re not doing the work. And you can’t control that.”

“But what if I could?” I retorted. “What if this whole thing in my head is just an excuse? I always make excuses for myself. I’m not feeling well, or I’ve missed that lesson, or Things are bad at home. I’m always ready with them. There’s literally nothing stopping me from keeping up, only my stupid fucking excuses!”

“They’re not-”

“They are Daniel.” I was shaking, but there weren’t any tears this time.

He reached for me. “No,” I told him. “Don’t.”

“Cat, please-”

“No!” My chest felt like it was about to burst. “You can’t help me…”

“But I want to.”

“But you can’t,” I croaked. “I’m sorry. But you can’t save me. I’ve already destroyed myself, and there’s nothing left of me.”

“There is,” he insisted. “You can push through this, you’re strong enough to push through this.”

“I’m not. I don’t push through it. I lie there and let it consume me. That’s the only way I survive it, if I can really call it surviving.”

“You haven’t lost to it though.”

“I have.” I looked up at him. “You seem to think that ‘losing’ is when you kill yourself. The only reason I haven’t done that is because I’m too scared to die. And now look at me. It’s almost funny.” I smiled crookedly, my stomach aching with the effort. “All I can do is lie there. My emotions have eaten away at me, and I’m just this hollow shell. I’ve still lost, Daniel. I haven’t killed myself, but I’m still dead.”

“No…”

“Please go,” I begged him. “Leave me alone.”

“I can’t…”

“Go!” I gasped. “There’s nothing for you to do. I’m already dead, why the fuck do you think that I can be saved?!”

He looked away. “That’s right. There’s no reason for you to keep counting on me. I keep saying I’ll be fine, and then I change my mind and lie there, because I’m too lazy to try and make things better for myself. Just go already!”

Daniel’s eyes were bright green and shiny with tears when he looked back at me. Were my eyes the same? “If I go, will you kill yourself?”

“No.” I meant what I said. “I don’t have the energy. Nor the courage.”

“Never say that,” he told me fiercely. “Never say that suicide involves anything like courage!”

I said nothing. “Please…” he sobbed. “I don’t want to watch you die…I don’t want to lose anyone else…”

“Then go,” I whispered.

He stared back at me as if I just stabbed him. “I’m not going to do anything. I promise. But I’m dying, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. There’s nothing left of me to save.”

Daniel gulped. For a while, it looked as if he wasn’t going to do anything, but then he turned away and went for the door. He looked back with his hand on the handle. “I know what you want me to think,” he said softly. “And this would be so much easier if I did think that. But I don’t. You’re worthy of love, worthy of living. You deserve so much more than what’s in your head. And I’ll keep believing that, no matter what.” With that, he closed the door behind him.

I could finally cry again. Because I had hurt the person I loved the most. The one thing Daniel wanted was to redeem himself, to save me, and I had thrown that away. I didn’t care anymore, about living. Nothing was worth trying to survive.

I was the most despicable human in the world.