Kaya and Cat?

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Why does Reality hurt me more than Delirium?

It seems like a simple matter of logic. Delirium doesn’t actually hurt me in Reality, where I receive comfort from my friends and ‘family’. Whereas if I’m hurt in Reality, I receive little comfort in Delirium, if any at all. Daniel…for some reason Daniel doesn’t really count as something from Delirium. He’s closer to human than…them. But at the same time, he’s not from Reality either; I am the only one who sees him.

So yesterday, Flash broke up with me.

He said he was always worrying about me, and that left little room for romantic feelings.

In other words, he couldn’t handle my Delirium.

And I don’t blame him.

It’s just I feel like whatever hope that I had is now gone. Before, I had a firm idea of who I would hurt if I had gone. Now I’m not so sure.

But when he did so, it unintentionally brought to light something in myself that I had probably been aware of for some time, but had never put together the pieces.

There’s reasons why there are times I can’t remember things. Why there are sometimes blank places in my memory.

And yesterday, Papa Willis, Smith and Chase had the not so pleasurable experience of meeting her.

And when I say her, I mean her.

I may have another personality. I can feel her now, in the back of my mind. She’s not always there though, but I know when she is. She talks to me like Daniel does, only I can’t see her. Why I am only connecting the dots now is a mystery to me, but it makes sense. Somewhat.

Sometimes when I went into Delirium, I reawoke to find myself in a completely different place, and I had little memory of doing anything. Say school for example. Now I think about it, it happened whenever I was feeling scared or vulnerable or hurt. When something bad happened in Reality, I’d go into Delirium.

But someone had to protect my body.

And that’s Kaya.

Kaya had a talk to Chase yesterday. I don’t know everything they talked about, but I’m working on it. To respect him, I’m not going to say stuff on here. He’s a good person.

So I had gone into Delirium, and I was extremely reluctant to come back to Reality.

Of course, Delirium is not so much better than Reality. I did a lot of running. Fire hurts a lot.

Water is strange in Delirium. You can cup it in your hand and blow it away like a cloud of dust. It’s somewhat peaceful to do that.

Then I heard a voice. One I didn’t think I’d hear again.

And I yelled at her. She was meant to be dead, I saw her die. And she wanted me to come back to Reality.

After a big fight, she agreed to leave me alone.

When I calmed down, I didn’t come back completely. I just snoozed a little, and then I realised my body was still active.

“Kaya!” I yelled.

It feels weird, feeling your body move and yet have no control over what’s happening. It’s as if you’re in someone else’s head, wearing their skin.

Speaking of skin…there were bite marks on my hands, scratches too. “Kaya…”

So now you want to return. Make up your mind.

“Let me back. Now.”

She smiled. Well, I smiled. It’s weird, okay?! And I came back.

And Kaya had gone.

She later came back and explained to me little things, basics of the conversation with Chase. Essentially, I figured Kaya wasn’t always in my head, but whenever I was in pain/feeling vulnerable/hurt in any way/etc, she’d take control of my body should I choose to spend too much time in Delirium.

So in a way, Delirium is a safe zone, for a lack of a better term. Or a reflex mechanism or some shit. And Kaya protects me in Reality when I go to Delirium.

Only trouble is, Delirium doesn’t come with its own protection, or reflex. I can’t always escape the pain there.

Kaya has firmly stated that she only controls me in very rare cases, but I’m still very wary. Kaya, from what I’ve heard from Daniel, and the reluctant witnesses in Reality, is very angry. Well, she can get very angry. So I worry about when she does control me, and what she says.

It’s uncomfortable having her in my head. It’s like a dull ache, one which I can’t get out with Panadol, or binge drinking on tea.

For the record, it’s irritating for me as well. I feel like I’m wearing itchy clothing.

There’s clothing in Delirium?

Of course there is, silly girl.

She’s not there much though. Now I can conclude that whenever I get headaches that don’t go away, it’s simply her. Why she refused to say anything till now, I don’t know. While it’s still on my mind, I need to test a theory I have. Next time she’s in my head, I’ll hit it against a wall to see if she goes.

I wonder if Daniel knew about this…

….fuck you brain.

Third Person Delirium…

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Yesterday, I had gone to go see Catching Fire with my friends. Well, friends and friends of friends, but by the end of the day, I knew most of their names.

I’m not writing a review today, but I will soon, don’t worry, imaginary readers.

One person I had befriended was a guy called Chase. No, of course it’s not his real name, I’m not an idiot.

He found me at the beginning of the day, wandering the town of Grum. You see, we usually go into the city, but it’s more convenient for the friends of friends, who go to a boarding school near Grum. You’ve probably heard of Grum, it’s where the Dockers live.

It was less convenient for me, because I had to be on a train for about an hour. Not that I really minded. With my trusty iPad and my hobbit feet which I had acquired from the Cat’s Run Away adventures, I was up for anything.

I had gotten there early, so I decided to wander the city in search of wifi. You see, because my phone doesn’t call anyone except my parents, in order to communicate with said friends, I need Facebook. And for Facebook I need wifi.

Then I ran into Chase, who was on the way to find said friends. So we went together and found them, in a place which was nowhere near where I thought we were going to meet. So thanks to Chase, I hadn’t spent hours wandering the stinking streets of Grum.

The majority of people there were ones I didn’t know. You see, my guy friends had once ‘chaperoned’ a social at a boarding school where these people went. And we met up once before to see Thor, as I might have mentioned. And today, we were joining them for their ‘end of school’ picnic thingymajinky.

Not all of my guy friends were coming. And Flash and Smith would be late, as they had rowing. So it was a relief to see some familiar faces in the group of Hogwarts students. Yes, that’s right, first Alice in Wonderland, now Harry Potter names. I’m not very creative.

So we went to see Catching Fire, and I met up with Flash and Smith. To sum up Catching Fire in a word, it was awesome. But I’ll save that details for my review.

Later on, we were hanging out in a park which didn’t stink of smoke and garbage, and we were watching Smith and a girl who I’ll call Dotty reenact the infamous scene from the Sherlock Season Two finale.

Then Chase dropped to the ground.

This was a change for me. Because normally, I’m the one who drops dead in the middle of outings.

Dotty knew what to do though. We got him in the recovery position and Dotty explained. Whenever Chase dropped, it meant he was half asleep. A better explanation was lucid dreaming. And that meant he was about to go into a nightmare.

It was that description that made me look at Flash uneasily.

It lasted five or ten minutes. I watched Chase’s eyes move under his eyelids and he trembled and shook as if he were in pain. Smith and Dotty were holding back his arms to stop him from scratching himself and Flash was holding me tightly. And the whole time, I kept seeing myself in Chase’s place.

“Is that what I look like?” I asked Flash quietly.

He looked at me and hugged me. “It’s getting better,” he whispered to me. “But…it used to be a lot like that.”

Chase opened his eyes, and they were glazed over. Then they refocused, and he swore. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured, as everyone hugged him.

“We’re used to it,” Smith said, and Flash nodded.

I smiled sadly. “Yeah…”

We then explained to him my situation. “And they haven’t found out what’s wrong yet?” Dotty asked.

I shook my head. To my surprise, Daniel hadn’t popped up yet, which was strange. Daniel usually came whenever I was freaking out.

Later that evening, I was with Flash waiting for my bus. “It was scary,” I admitted. “That…that was what I…” I looked at him. “Were as you freaked out as I was?” Are you always frightened when it happens to me? I asked inwardly.

He nodded. “It’s getting better though,” he said. “You don’t scream out, and it ends pretty quickly.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think it’s getting better,” I told him. “Not really.”

He hugged me. “Don’t give up,” he said to me.

“I don’t intend to.”

Private School Bitchfaces

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Today, we have exactly one more week of school for the year.

I is excited. Very excited.

My guy friends, on the other hand, finished today, and were bragging about it.

Assholes.

So today, after finishing my English exam, I went into the city with my friends.

Today on the list of awesome people hanging out with me was MJ, Papa Willis, My ‘grandma’-who I’ll name Mrs Jackson, Smith, Slenderman’s ‘son’- named from this point on Pretty One, and the Flash.

It had been almost three weeks since I’d seen the Flash, so I was quite excited to see him. As nonexistent regulars know, we’ve been going out, though it’s been difficult to see eachother, because I live in Wonderland and he lives just outside the Rabbithole. In English, it’s a bit out of our way. Plus with exams going on, we’ve been busy studying, so the only way we’ve been able to communicate is Facebook.

So after a long Friday of exams, we went into the city.

The nice part of the city that is, not the messed up part that I ventured into in The Chronicles Of A Mad Cat.

And a lot of girls from my school were going there too.

Now, the thing with me is that my girlfriends have incredibly strict parents, so they aren’t allowed into the city. My guy friends are the opposite, so when I go into the city, it’s them who I usually meet up with.

The only problem with this though, is that people interpret opinions based on that information. And one person told me one time to my face that they thought I was a lesbian.

Honestly, it didn’t really help things when I just frowned and said, “Oh”. Because I have never seen being gay as a bad thing. When I was little and living in another city, I grew up next to two gay guys, and they’re the ones who prevented me from dressing like my mother. (THANK GOOOOOOOOD.) But I’ve never seen that as an insult, so I didn’t give the girls the reaction that they were probably expecting/hoping for.

By the way, this was when I was dating Potch. A MALE…I’m presuming.

So, back to present day. We all went into the city, and we saw…

Nope, s!uts is too rude.

So is Wh@res.

…Pr@$titutes?

Nope.

Ok, now I have one.

We all went into the city and we saw Paris Hiltons!

There we go.

So Papa Willis took his ‘mother’ Mrs Jackson and his ‘nephews’ to save our seats while MJ stayed with me and the Flash to get food.

It was at that moment when the chief Paris Hilton waved at me.

I waved back, but I was deeply disturbed.

This Paris Hilton once told me that I had no friends and I was a fat loner.

She is a lovely person…according to numerous boys at the school that my guy friends go to.

So I was getting icecream, when suddenly, Queen Paris-ite got up from her table.

And she was heading for us.

Ooooooooh fudge, I thought. “Flash,” I whispered. “Watch out.”

“What?”

“Heeeeeeeeeeeey, Cat, good to see you!” Queen Paris-ite gave me a sorta hug. You know, that touch on the arm and leaning in ever so slightly? Yeah, that one. “Is this your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, Flash, this is *insert alternate name for Queen Paris-ite here*, *insert alternate name for Queen Paris-ite here*, this is Flash.” I mouthed I’m so sorry over her head to him.

After she left, MJ came back. “Where did you go?” I asked.

He raised an eyebrow.

“Fair point.” Then the full effect of what she had done hit me. “She hugged meeeeeeeee!” I cried. “Nooooooooo!”

Flash and MJ gave me a hug as I faux-sobbed (“I feel so violated!”) and then we just started laughing.

“You should’ve asked her how many guys she’s done!” MJ told me.

“Grandpa, I’m not that much of a bitch,” I retorted.

“Well I am!”

“Then you do it.”

“…maybe Mrs Jackson will.”

Mrs Jackson didn’t. Neither did Smith or anyone else. But we laughed about what we would say if we had the guts to.

Thus is the reality of private school children. We can talk about someone behind their back, but when they approach us, we’re best friends. And I’m included in that category.

Fuuuuuuuudge.

My Other ‘Family’

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I need something happier to talk about.

So what about my other ‘family’?

These people are the most supportive people in the world, and I love them to bits and they are just as mad as I am. And for some reason, we pretend to all be related.

So here’s my ‘family’.

MJ
Will also be known as Michael Jackson, because he’s a dancer and I couldn’t be bothered to come up with something more creative. (He also likes to scare children.) In our ‘family’, he is our beloved grandfather/time lord/potato fanatic, and he has at least 700 illegitimate children apparently. Probably the sweetest guy I know, and also the most likely member of our family to wear a dress.

These are his known ‘children’ from oldest to youngest:

Slenderman
There were a lot of names I was thinking of for Unca Slenderman. Originally I was going to name him Captain Jack, then I changed my mind to The Seed. But then I realised how alike Slenderman and my uncle were, so here is Unca Slenderman! Slenderman, as you may have gathered, is the seediest person alive. Some say he cannot go through a whole day without saying something dirty about something. You have something that is completely innocent? Wait till Slenderman sees it…BAM! And the innocence is gone! Is very fond of nurses, particularly Air Force ones.

The Flash
Cross country runner, and probably the one mind that thinks along the same lines as me. Meaning, he’s just as mad as I am. :D Nah…no one’s as mad as me. But he comes pretty close. He is also a dancer, and I think I may have referred to him as Speedy once in a previous post, but now he’s The Flash. So there. :p Thus far, he’s one of the least seedy minded people in the group, so Slenderman has to work a bit harder…

Papa Willis
He was going to be called Aquaman, but noooooo, he wanted to be Papa Willis. So there. Happy now ‘father’?
Yes, this is my loving father, who is probably the dumbest guy alive. <3 And one of the nicest. Though we pretend to be father and daughter, he's more like a big brother to me in real life.
For some reason, it's Papa Willis that's always getting pleaded with to try on dresses, even though MJ is the most feminine (sorry Grampa,) and The Flash would probably fit them better. I think it's Slenderman who started it. Silly Slenderman…. At the moment though, if Papa Willis gets a B on a SOSE test, he has to wear a dress. He's already worn a wig (my wig in fact, I has pictures) and it's only a matter of time…

Potch
I don’t know how the fudge Potch is related to our ‘family’. He might be another illegitimate child, or just a ‘family’ friend. Used to go out with him, before it was decided we were better off as friends. The biggest nerd in the universe, and is Slenderman’s second in command for seedy jokes. For now, he’s grouped with MJ’s other kids.

That’s MJ’s children out of the way. And here is the younger, slightly less messed up generation.

The Guy That Dies First
Or maybe I’ll just name him Smith- I really need to come up with more creative names.
Anyway, Smith is Slenderman’s ‘son’, though Slenderman refuses to acknowledge him, and my cousin. Used to be normal before he met us apparently. Not anymore… ^_^ But the reason behind his previous name was that our grandfather (or one of our other satanic relatives) makes him take the brunt of his (or their) evil practices. But in a zombie apocalypse, he’d probably outlive me. Providing I live to see said zombie apocolypse.

Batman!
Nana nana nana nana BATMAN! :D
Papa Willis’ other child, and my favourite little brother ever. <3 though to be honest, my real brother isn't setting the bar very high… According to my 'father', the identity his 'mother' has been narrowed down to three prostitutes, two Spanish, one Swedish.
Lover of horror films and enjoys creeping people out. Ask him to show you his collection of stories for children, I dare you, non existent reader.

Aaaaaaaand, ME!
Who am I? Lets look at the list: Tea Drinker, Mad hat lover, Drawer, Training Model, Madwoman, Budding Writer, Reader, Semi Demon (yes, only semi), Dreamer, Creator, and Budding Lune, unless someone stops me.

So that’s my ‘family’. And for some reason, it looks like everyone with a Y chromosome cannot keep it in their pants. :p As I said, I love them heaps, and they are the best people in the world. I have no idea how they manage to stand me and my head, but they do, and that’s what keeps me going.

I needed to write this post today, for I’ve been too sad as of late. I had written a post before this one, talking about how I ran away from home for the day, and the reasons why. But I’ll probably post that another time, when I actually have Internet at home.

So who is your ‘family’? Who can you rely on for support, because there probably is at least one person who cares about you, though I’ll end up thinking the opposite a few hours later. Or maybe days. Depends on my mood swings.

It’s reading (and writing) things like this that make me realise that family aren’t necessarily the people who you share your genetic material with. Just think about it.

Cat Madigan