Why does Reality hurt me more than Delirium?
It seems like a simple matter of logic. Delirium doesn’t actually hurt me in Reality, where I receive comfort from my friends and ‘family’. Whereas if I’m hurt in Reality, I receive little comfort in Delirium, if any at all. Daniel…for some reason Daniel doesn’t really count as something from Delirium. He’s closer to human than…them. But at the same time, he’s not from Reality either; I am the only one who sees him.
So yesterday, Flash broke up with me.
He said he was always worrying about me, and that left little room for romantic feelings.
In other words, he couldn’t handle my Delirium.
And I don’t blame him.
It’s just I feel like whatever hope that I had is now gone. Before, I had a firm idea of who I would hurt if I had gone. Now I’m not so sure.
But when he did so, it unintentionally brought to light something in myself that I had probably been aware of for some time, but had never put together the pieces.
There’s reasons why there are times I can’t remember things. Why there are sometimes blank places in my memory.
And yesterday, Papa Willis, Smith and Chase had the not so pleasurable experience of meeting her.
And when I say her, I mean her.
I may have another personality. I can feel her now, in the back of my mind. She’s not always there though, but I know when she is. She talks to me like Daniel does, only I can’t see her. Why I am only connecting the dots now is a mystery to me, but it makes sense. Somewhat.
Sometimes when I went into Delirium, I reawoke to find myself in a completely different place, and I had little memory of doing anything. Say school for example. Now I think about it, it happened whenever I was feeling scared or vulnerable or hurt. When something bad happened in Reality, I’d go into Delirium.
But someone had to protect my body.
And that’s Kaya.
Kaya had a talk to Chase yesterday. I don’t know everything they talked about, but I’m working on it. To respect him, I’m not going to say stuff on here. He’s a good person.
So I had gone into Delirium, and I was extremely reluctant to come back to Reality.
Of course, Delirium is not so much better than Reality. I did a lot of running. Fire hurts a lot.
Water is strange in Delirium. You can cup it in your hand and blow it away like a cloud of dust. It’s somewhat peaceful to do that.
Then I heard a voice. One I didn’t think I’d hear again.
And I yelled at her. She was meant to be dead, I saw her die. And she wanted me to come back to Reality.
After a big fight, she agreed to leave me alone.
When I calmed down, I didn’t come back completely. I just snoozed a little, and then I realised my body was still active.
“Kaya!” I yelled.
It feels weird, feeling your body move and yet have no control over what’s happening. It’s as if you’re in someone else’s head, wearing their skin.
Speaking of skin…there were bite marks on my hands, scratches too. “Kaya…”
So now you want to return. Make up your mind.
“Let me back. Now.”
She smiled. Well, I smiled. It’s weird, okay?! And I came back.
And Kaya had gone.
She later came back and explained to me little things, basics of the conversation with Chase. Essentially, I figured Kaya wasn’t always in my head, but whenever I was in pain/feeling vulnerable/hurt in any way/etc, she’d take control of my body should I choose to spend too much time in Delirium.
So in a way, Delirium is a safe zone, for a lack of a better term. Or a reflex mechanism or some shit. And Kaya protects me in Reality when I go to Delirium.
Only trouble is, Delirium doesn’t come with its own protection, or reflex. I can’t always escape the pain there.
Kaya has firmly stated that she only controls me in very rare cases, but I’m still very wary. Kaya, from what I’ve heard from Daniel, and the reluctant witnesses in Reality, is very angry. Well, she can get very angry. So I worry about when she does control me, and what she says.
It’s uncomfortable having her in my head. It’s like a dull ache, one which I can’t get out with Panadol, or binge drinking on tea.
For the record, it’s irritating for me as well. I feel like I’m wearing itchy clothing.
There’s clothing in Delirium?
Of course there is, silly girl.
She’s not there much though. Now I can conclude that whenever I get headaches that don’t go away, it’s simply her. Why she refused to say anything till now, I don’t know. While it’s still on my mind, I need to test a theory I have. Next time she’s in my head, I’ll hit it against a wall to see if she goes.
I wonder if Daniel knew about this…
….fuck you brain.