You’re Being Tortured In The Morning

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So because I am a lazy fuck who cannot spend more than ten minutes a day to finish writing up my memoirs from the imaginary world in my head, Daniel and I have found another way to keep my blog updated over the two weeks that we’ll be in Europe. Where it’s warm…. I’m sorry, I wanted to stress that fact to my friends who’ll be stuck in the Southern Hemisphere, where it’s cold and there’s not even snow to make it better. Anyway, I came across the website Philosophy Experiments during Religion, and Daniel and I got sucked in, and we went over god knows how many tests and quizzes which scrutinised our way of thinking.

And now I’m going to torture my nonexistent readers by describing every single quiz we went through. Starting with You’re Being Tortured In The Morning.
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“Here we go,” Daniel says. “You have fallen into the hands of Zach Coine, a mad and powerful scientist. He informs you he is going to torture you tomorrow morning. Not surprisingly, you find this idea rather terrifying.”

“Pfffffffffffft.”

“That’s not necessary Cat.”

“Sorry…this quiz doesn’t already take into account torture victims. Or mutants and imaginary paramours.”

“Cat…”

“Okay, I’ll shush.” I look up at him. “Really.”

“Good girl.” Daniel turns back to the iPad. “However, Professor Coine has some sort of barely functioning conscience so he’s decided to tell you a number of things about what’s going to happen in the hope that you’ll be reassured about your fate.”

“Awwww, that’s so sweet!” I said sarcastically.

“You promised you’d shush.”

“I am! I am shush-”

Daniel puts two fingers on my lips. “There. Better.” He scans the rest of the page. “Basically, each time you read something, you have to decide whether it calms you down a little bit.”

Unable to communicate verbally, I merely raise my eyebrows and snort. “Okay…let me rephrase that.” Daniel rolls his eyes. “You have to indicate whether or not what he says makes you more certain or uncertain of your fate. Whether it reassures you or not. Compri?

I nod. “Good girl. Now, there’s some things you should remember. One, everything Professor Coine tells you is the truth. Two, this test is only interested in how you find the prospect of being tortured. Basically whether you think you’d suffer or not during this event.” He frowns. “Whatever. Three, any wider moralistic or humanitarian worries you may have do not matter. Meaning, you can’t claim that you’ll never be safe because you’ll always know that there’s a violent psychopath out there. Four, you have to indicate how you feel about what the professor says in light of everything you know.”

I frown. “Mmm?”

“I think it means how what the professor says makes you feel about the current situation,” Daniel informs me. “Anyway, the last thing is that this is an online activity, so you’re not actually going to be fearful or reassured. There’s a thing called imagination….” He grins at me. “My, I have no idea where we would ever find that. Now let’s get started.”

“Mmm!”

“I’m not done talking though.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Fine…” He removes his hand from my face. “Personally, I think you show more through your body language than your words.”

I flutter my eyelashes at him.

“I rest my case. You may start.”

“Professor Coine tells you that when the time comes to torture you, he’ll ensure you have no memory of having been told in advance you were going to be tortured, so it’ll be a surprise when the torture begins. Reassured or no?” I frown. “Wait, so…I’m being told what’s going to happen to me, only to forget immediately after?”

“I take it, not reassuring?”

“Nuh uh.” I read the next statement. “Professor Coine also tells you that at the moment of torture you won’t be able to remember anything at all that you now remember. So I have amnesia? I don’t remember who I am?”

“I don’t believe I’ve ever had amnesia,” Daniel muses. “I wouldn’t be able to tell you what it’s like.”

“I would probably be more frightened if I didn’t know anything,” I said. “If I had my memories, I might be able to think of something else.”

“If you say so.”

“Professor Coine now states that not only will you not be able to remember anything that you now remember, but you’ll have an entirely different set of thoughts and impressions of your past…well shit.”

“Not assured?”

“Well…no. If I’m a whole other person, I’m still going to feel pain, aren’t I?”

“Indeed.”

“The mad professor now tells you that the new set of thoughts and impressions of your past will exactly match those of somebody who is currently alive, and in fact that they will be copied into your brain from the other person’s brain. Again, not helpful.” I continue on. “So basically, this whole conversation makes me no less fearful of what is to come.”

Daniel reads the next part. “We’ll return to the mad professor in a little while, but right now we have a different scenario for you to think about. This one also involves torture, but happily this time you have more control over what’s going to happen to you.”

“Yayyyy.”

“Two people,” Daniel reads, “are about to undergo an odd experience.”

“Boys and girls of every age, would you like to see something strange?” I sing.

Ignoring me, Daniel goes on. “The thoughts and memories of persons A and B will be exchanged with eachother. In this scenario, you’re A. After the experiment is complete, one body-person will receive one million dollars. The other gets tortured. You want to get the reward, and avoid the torture.”

“Gee, I dunno…I’m kinda in the mood for getting my skin torn and my bones broken.” Daniel looks at me. “I’m into some fucked up shit.”

“Moving on…you get to choose which body-person is to be rewarded, and by doing so, also deciding who gets tortured. So what’s it gonna be?”

“So…I’m person A. But A’s memories are now in B. Does that make me B then?”

“You tell me.”

“…physically I am person A. Even with my memories have gone, I’m still A, and I’ll still feel the pain. I’d want to avoid that.”

“You’d be another person.”

“Is that meant to get me to change my mind?”

“This…” Daniel announces, “is deep shit.”

“Yeah…” I press the option which says Reward Body-Person A, Torture Body-Person B. I read the next part. “Good news. In common with 29% of the 43934 people who have completed this activity, you are showing no sign of Identity Confusion Syndrome. What even is that?”

“Let me read the rest.” Daniel scans the next few paragraphs. “I think they’re saying that you understand that even though your memories are gone, the person being tortured is still you.”

“So…cool?”

We continue to read the reasoning behind it. “I think I get it,” I say to Daniel. “If I chose B, it would be because I believe that I myself was now person B, and that I wouldn’t be tortured, because the person carrying my memories would be safe. But just because your memories are inside someone else doesn’t mean that they are you.”

“I…think I understand?”

I try explaining. “Imagine the idea that your memories are not your own, but someone else’s. It’s only now that you have become aware of this fact. So, who are who?”

“Well…I have Daniel’s thoughts and memories…and apart from what I used to see in Delirium those are the only ones I have…so I’m Daniel.”

“Bingo!” I kiss his cheek.

“Right answer?” He smiles shakily.

“Uhhuh. Even though your memories are in another person, you do not identify with that other person. You aren’t that person, as far as you’re concerned. Therefore, to choose B, just because your ‘true’ memories are inside them, would be silly. You’re person A still.”

“O…..kaaaaaay…”

“…did I make it more confusing?”

“Actually no. I’m starting to get a grip around it.”

“Good. Because it’s time for recess.” Fooooooooooooood, my inner voice growls.

“There’s one thing that interests me,” he says as we walk out.

“Do tell.”

“Imagine applying this to you and Kaya,” he says. “You’ve experienced her memories, and vice versa. You know her as well as you know yourself, and vice versa. Does that mean that you are Kaya?”

“No, of course not.”

“Why not?”

“…it’s not possible. I know her. She’s a separate entity to me. Isn’t she?”

Evil Twin

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I don’t see Kaya as often as some people think. She’s only in my head when A, I have a bad episode in Delirium and she comes in so people don’t hear me dying, or B, when she’s in a very bad mood.

Which is why, on Friday, I got to spend most of the day with the bitch. Because I had a very special photoshoot that day.

It doesn’t look like me, she informed me. If you’re going to impersonate me, you might at least try.

“You try talking to her,” I pleaded with Daniel. He just ignored me, and continued looking through my iPad. “Found anything yet?”

“Nothing you’d be looking for,” he replied. “Mostly brightly coloured stuff, none of them scream ‘grim reaper’ to be honest.”

“You’re in the wrong section then. Just scroll down till you reach the dark pictures.”

“There’s a lot of shit on this thing, Cat Madigan, you ever think of clearing it?”

“All the time. And every time I think, What if I need to refer to it? It’s a vicious cycle.”

Why do you even do this to yourself?

“I like modelling. It gives me self confidence, and I need self confidence.”

You have the eye of a king on you, she reminded me. What more do you want?

“He’s…” I nearly said not real, but I’m already on Kaya’s bad side. “I’m not interested,” I settled for saying.

Liar.

“Kaya…” Daniel said warningly.

“I’m genuinely not interested Kaya. He’s nice, but he’s got the attention span of a cat.”

Pot. Calling. Kettle. Kaya’s voice was as dry as a bone.

“You know what I mean,” I groaned. “I don’t think I’d be able to talk with him the way I’d want to talk to someone. Not to mention, he seems like the type that would only desire someone till he had her.”

In other words, you don’t want to get hurt.

“No, that’s not the issue. The issue is that he’s not the sort of person I’d be interested in as a…what word would you guys use?”

“Lover?” Daniel suggested.

“…really? Is your whole mind entirely focused on sex?”

“Hey, you wanted a word for it.”

Concubine?

Both Daniel and I widened our eyes. “Kaya…” I said. “Please tell me you know what that word means.”

Of course I do.

“No offence to Cat, but I think the term concubine would refer to her rather than our beloved king,” Daniel pointed out.

I grimaced. “Not happening. I’ve had enough of that sort of thing.”

“For now.”

Before I could ask what Daniel meant, Kaya spoke up. There’s not really a word for it, she mused. Normally there’s a contract to marry, and perhaps courtship after that, if the husband wishes. More often it’s not. I could hear the distaste in her voice. And after that, there is marriage….maybe you could be his sweetheart?

“I’m not his frigging sweetheart!” I hissed.

What’s gotten into her? Her tone is as if she has never snapped at me in the whole duration of her existence.

“Leave her, Kaya,” Daniel said wearily. “Both of us aren’t good with that sort of thing right now.”

“Thanks Daniel. Anything yet?”

“I think you’d have a better chance searching YouTube for makeup ideas,” he said. “There’s nothing here.”

“It can’t be, there has to be something.” I took the iPad out of his hands.

“No!”

“…well, I see why you haven’t been finding anything.” I hurled it back at his chest.

“Ow!”

Before I could say anything more, we hear shouting. “Not again…” I groaned.

What’s going on now?

“Do I ever know what’s on with them?” I retorted. “Tig’s not like me, Kaya, he talks back. He’s under the impression that he’s intelligent and that screaming back insults makes a difference.”

What’s he done?

Suddenly, I heard a loud slamming sound, and my brother sobbing. Mum screamed at him, and I could make out the words How dare you, and Little shit. “It’s sickening…” Daniel said stiffly, trying not to show anything.

Are you alright Cat?

“I’m used to it.” I took the clothes out of my cupboard and laid them on the bed for the afternoon.

That wasn’t answering my question, she observed.

“Would you answer honestly if you were me?”

Mum charged into the room suddenly, without warning. Daniel froze, even though he’d be able to move freely and not be seen by her. “Your brother,” she announced, “has stolen most of the Easter eggs.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“And he’s not owning up to it.”

“Again. My astonishment is extremely lacking.”

“Hmm.” She frowned at me. “It wasn’t you, was it?”

“No.”

“How do I know it wasn’t?”

I groaned. “I don’t know how I’m meant to prove myself innocent.” I turned to Daniel as Mum went on a tangent, and I saw his face going red, even though he was barely moving.

After what seemed an eternity, she finally left my room. Is she always like this? Kaya questioned.

“Not always.” That makes it harder though, I add mentally.

Hmm…

“So your brother’s stealing again,” Daniel observed.

“Seems like. You’d think he’d learn by now.”

“I don’t agree with what your parents do, but your brother is truly a little-”

“Daniel…”

“Fine.” Daniel put his arm around my shoulder. “How are you?”

“Fine.” That’s all I say.

“Kaya…” Daniel said after a while. “You’ve been quiet.”

Oh?

“What do you think?”

Of what?

“Cat’s parents.”

He shouldn’t be punished that way, she said firmly. Not by being thrown against the wall. I grimaced at a similar memory. Sorry Cat.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Kaya…” Daniel’s voice had an odd note to it. “Tell her.”

“What?” I looked at Daniel and frowned. “What aren’t you telling me now?

He groaned. But when he opened his mouth to say something, Kaya spoke up. It’s fine! She doesn’t need to know.

“Kaya…what did you do?” I asked, suddenly going cold all of a sudden.

…Well.

Daniel interrupted her. “Cat, you might want to check in your wardrobe.”

“…do I want to?” He gestured towards it. “Very well…” I walked over to it and slid the door open. That’s when I saw the tinfoil. “You’ve got to be kidding me…” I span around, as if I expected Kaya to be behind me. “This is what you do when you take over when I’m in Delirium? You steal chocolate?”

I was starving! she protested. You barely eat anything, how can you stand sitting there with an empty belly?

“I eat apples! Apples are good! The chocolates are off limits though!”

Well, I didn’t know that!

“Shit…” I knew my hands were shaking, but I didn’t care. “My brother just got beaten up because of that!”

Cat, I’m so sorry, if I had known that it wasn’t allowed, I never would’ve done it, I swear.

I just sighed. “Now what?”

“Discard evidence,” Daniel directed. “Put the wrappers in the bathroom, in the cupboard. No one knows who put them though, no one gets the blame.”

“Or we both get the blame and we both get walloped till one of us confesses,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, well, I don’t see any better choices. Unless you’d like to confess that your dead demon friend who possesses you took the chocolates.”

Kaya scoffed. Demons are pathetic.

“Exactly my point.”

“Oh don’t you two start,” I hissed. I took the wrappers and crumpled them up and put them in a plastic bag. As soon as they got put in the cupboard, I hurried back to my room. “There. Hopefully things will end there.”

“Well, you’d better get dressed,” Daniel said. “Kaya’s makeup will be here soon.”

Kaya hissed in my head. “Shut up Kaya,” I told her.
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It resembled Kaya a lot, but not precisely. But no one except us would know that.

Kaya’s hair covered her forehead entirely; whereas the wig I had gotten from Comic-con only had little bits covering my face.

Kaya’s skin was pale grey in colour, and I remember that covering the sides of her face and her arms were a number of random scales. What made it even more frightening was the black protruding veins which were so hard to ignore. The makeup, of course, wasn’t anything like that. She was still quite pale, but the makeup was for a natural skin tone. It was almost like Kaya had been humanised, somewhat.

The contact lenses I had were close to Kaya’s eyes. But they were only contacts, so of course, they weren’t an exact match. Kaya hated her eyes. Once, when she was younger, they were a pretty silver, but after her arrest and confinement, they became a bright, glowing violet to match the poison. They could’ve been lovely, but after what Kaya went through, it was rare for her to show any emotion other than emptiness or rage, and I don’t blame her.

You’re also fatter than me, Kaya informed me.

“Yeah, well, that’s because I haven’t been starved for eight or so years,” I retorted. That shut her up.

This is similar to what I wore when I escaped with Daniel, she mused, looking at my costume. But my hair was long then.

“I can barely remember you with long hair though,” I told her. “You cut it off not long after.”

I know…

I giggled. “I remember their faces when you did that.”

She laughed at the memory. It was as if I had slaughtered their children.

“In a way, it was. Those maids must’ve spent hours brushing the mats out of your hair.”

I don’t regret my decision. There’s a hint of mischief in her tone. Daniel was the funniest though. He was trying to comfort the poor women.

“Aww….Daniel used to be a gentleman!”

He still is. He just acts perverted to irritate you.

“Why?”

You’re funny when you’re irritated.

“Not always.” I showed her my memory of murdering that woman.

There’s a difference between irritated and infuriated, Kaya said. You need to forgive yourself.

“Then it will become easier. I don’t want to do that again.”

Who are you? she asked me suddenly.

“I’m…not entirely sure. Who am I? What am I? Am I a different species now?”

Look. Kaya cleared her throat. Your name is Cat Madigan. It’s not the name you were born with, but you’re not the same person from when you were born, are you? She went on before I could speak. You’ve changed a lot over the years. When I met you, you were a quiet, innocent young woman. A disaster waiting to happen.

And then I met you again, with Daniel. You were scared, terrified actually. What astounded me was that you trusted me over Daniel, who is obviously the less frightening article.

“Daniel used to be an asshole though.”

He’s changed a lot too. He didn’t like you because he thought you were some weak little snivelling thing.

“And I’m not?”

“Definitely not.” I jumped at the sound of Daniel’s voice. “Hey.” He waved at me.

“Hello Daniel. Can you tell me what I am? Daniel?”

He’s taking in the sight of me. “Right…sorry. We’re going to leave in ten minutes,” I told him. “Wanna come?”

Daniel smiled. “Would I go anywhere else?”

I’ll be off then. With that, the pain in my head vanished.

“Can you answer my question then?” I asked Daniel.

He sighed, and knelt down as if I were a child half my size. “My dear lady,” he said, looking up at me. “You are about to witness a remarkable event.” He inhaled. “I agree with Kaya.”

I managed to stop myself from laughing. “I see.”

“It’s true.”

“That…must’ve been hard on you.”

“…you can laugh now if you want.”

I grinned. “Thankyou.”

“Now. You wanted to know who you are? You are Cat Madigan. Not Freak or Kaya or Bitch, or anything else.”

“Aren’t I? Think about what I’ve done. I’m going down the same road as Kaya.” I remembered her last moment, on the Lake of Ghosts. “I’ll end up like her, one day. I can feel it.”

“No.” Daniel took my hand. “There’s a very big difference between the two of you.”

“Which is?”

“Remorse,” he answered. “Kaya killed men she didn’t know and brushed it aside. She wanted revenge on their kind, so she became one of them.”

“And I’m not? I’ve gone through ‘treatments’ too, Daniel. I’m a freak, and I can kill just as easily as she can.”

“No. You won’t.” Daniel stood up and drew me in for a hug. “Because you can see the good in people as well. Kaya’s disillusioned because of everything that’s happened, but you still have faith, no matter how little. And that guilt stops you, makes you pause before you do something you’ll regret.”

“No it doesn’t,” I argued. “I’ve killed before that woman. And now I’ve lost count.”

“I know that. Yes, you’ve killed people.” He grimaced. “But you’ve always been as guilty as hell afterwards. And that’s the difference. Kaya let herself become a monster. You’re more reluctant to let go of your humanity. And that’s who you are, Cat Madigan; human.”

“Freak,” I insisted.

“Freaks are human too,” he reminded me. “Sometimes more than most humans. And this world of mine needs some humanity left in it.”

“You and me, against the rest of the he world,” I laughed.

“That’s how it’s gonna be,” he grinned.
;

Switch

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Daniel burst out laughing.

“Surely it’s not that funny,” I point out.

“Yeah…it is.”

Argh…

“Calm down Kaya, it’s not that bad.”

Try me.

“Look, what am I supposed to say? No, I don’t want to do the photoshoot because my evil twin doesn’t want to?”

But did you have to accept it?

“Hey, it looks like fun! And I get to wear a wig and contacts.”

Doesn’t make it-

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Daniel speaks up. “But I believe you’re confusing your imaginary audience.”

“Right. Now shut up you two.”

So I was contacted by a photographer last night, and he was interested in doing a photoshoot with me as one of my drawings.

Why do you post your drawings on your modelling page anyway? That’s what your modelling photos are for.

Yeah, well, it shows that I’m more than a pretty face.

“Pfffffffft.”

“Shut up Daniel.”

Continue.

Okay, so this is the picture that he wanted to recreate:

It’s pretty cool, if I do say so myself. But guess who it’s of.

I believe they can already guess.

…yeah. Hehee.

Now do you understand why I’m uncomfortable?

Calm down Kaya.

Why? You’re going to be pretending to be me!

I know. It’s like I’m cosplaying as my split personality!

Oh let’s not start this argument again.

Look, I don’t see what the big deal is. Can you explain it to me?

I find it insulting.

Oh boohoo. How is this insulting?

Can you really walk around in a dead person’s skin?

“I’m sorry, what do you think she was doing for the first few months we knew her?”

I wasn’t dead Daniel.

“It’s not making fun of you Kaya, I promise.”

Cat, I’m sorry, I don’t like it.

“Then don’t come near me! Just stay away, do the stuff you do when you’re not inside me.”

Daniel snorts.

“Shut up Daniel.”

Why should I allow this?

“Because this is my body and I call the shots.”

Not always…

Daniel growls suddenly. “Don’t even think about it.”

So you’re on her side?

“Of course.”

…are you ever going to forgive me?

“I’m not like Cat,” he replies.

“Hey!”

“I didn’t mean it as an insult,” he tells me. “I lost faith in this world a long time ago Kaya. I’m too tired to be forgiving. And it’s too late for me to forgive you, isn’t it?”

The headache goes away all of a sudden. “Kaya’s gone.”

“Thought she would.”

“Haven’t seen her so irritated since she found out I was planning to buy a corset,” I note.

Daniel smiles grimly. “She just takes everything personally,” he says. “When you’ve been hated for years, you tend to take everything that anyone says about you as an insult.”

I sigh. “I didn’t mean to piss her off.”

“I know you didn’t. She probably knows that too. I guess she just doesn’t want you to pretend to be her, make a fool out of her.”

“…that doesn’t make sense.”

“It only has to make sense to her,” he points out.

“Daniel?”

“Hmm?”

“What has she done that’s so horrible?”

Daniel groans. “Do we have to go into this?”

“Yup. Look, I know how she died. But I’ve almost done the same thing. Exactly the same, actually.”

He shakes his head.

“What do you mean Daniel?”

“Cat, she’s not dead, not really. She was in your head a few minutes ago.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

He places his hand on my shoulder. “That’s not what’s meant to happen. She’s still alive, she just doesn’t have a physical body.”

“There’s a difference?”

“Believe it or not, yes. If she were dead, she wouldn’t be here at all.”

“But she is here.” I frown. “That doesn’t explain why you hate her.”

“I wouldn’t call it hate,” he admits. “But the person she’s turned into…”

“What has she turned into?”

He groans. “It’s complicated…fine,” he says after seeing my face. “The way I see it, Kaya gave up on her world. She left all of us in a sinking ship.”

“And? So what? I am guilty of doing the same crime! What’s the difference between Kaya’s crime and mine?”

“I hadn’t finished. The difference between the two of you is that you had no desire to live. That was why you did what you did. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a selfish thing to do. Kaya’s is worse though. She…” His jaw clenches. “Don’t believe what she says Cat. Human bodies may have their faults, but they’re a lot better than being a ghost.”

“She wants my body?”

Daniel’s eyes widen and we start howling in laughter. “Oh god,” I gasp out. “Shit, I should’ve seen that. How did I miss that?”

Daniel just shakes his head. “Well that lightened the mood.”

“Seriously though.” We straighten up. “Kaya wants to take over?”

He nods. “But why? I thought she didn’t want to live?”

“She didn’t want to live the way she was living,” he corrects. “Suicide is one option, but there was another way.”

“And what would I do?”

“You’d go to Delirium,” Daniel explains. “From her eyes, it does sound fair.”

“I agree.”

“But it’s not,” he finished. “Kaya has already lived one life, and that she threw away. To take over someone else’s, yes even with their consent,” he informs me, “isn’t right. She’d be hurting your friends, family…and that young man your friends were talking about on the ferry.”

“…not you too.”

“Hey, I can do whatever I please,” he says. “My point is, she has done…this, deliberately. It’s not that hard to die, well, there are exceptions,” he says pointedly. “But she’s done this so she has the potential to take on another body. And for that, I can’t forgive her.”

“Because she wants to live a life without pain?”

“Because she’s willing to hurt the people you love to do it,” he corrects.

I’m silent for a moment. “…if that’s the case, then who have I taken over?”

“Hmm?”

“I have a physical body Daniel,” I remind him. “Both in Reality and Delirium. How does that work?”

“Well….how about another time?”

“No! Now!”

“I’m tired Cat. Just…think over what I’ve said, alright?” He raises my hand to his lips. “You be good now,” he tells me. “I need to take care of something.”

“So I shouldn’t trust Kaya,” I say out loud.

Daniel sighs. “Kaya would never hurt you,” he says. “But she doesn’t harbour the same feelings about the people you care about.”

I nod. “But why should I trust you and not Kaya?”

He turns around and grins. “Maybe you shouldn’t trust either of us,” he tells me. “But then where would you be?”

Sexy Cat

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So, according to my Stats, someone found my blog by typing in ‘Emilia Clarke smut’.

Don’t worry, it doesn’t tell me who you are, reader who apparently does exist. And I don’t judge you. If she asked, I’d take off my clothes and lie at her feet.

…and now Daniel’s snickering at me. Seedy bastard. I hope you’re happy, whoever you are. Anyway, there’s no smut here, but if you send me some, I might post it. If you’re lucky.

Anyway, I know how much you non existent readers are looking forward to reading about what happened after my head was cut off, but right now, I need to snap back to Reality for a bit. I had started writing this on Sunday, but I haven’t been able to post it till now, so let’s travel back in timeeeeeeee.

So today, I went out with my friends in Fremantle. I’m not going to get into detail about that today, but I need to mention something important. Kaya and I switched, and Kaya ended up having a panic attack on the train.

It wasn’t a panic attack.

Oh yeah it was. But like I said, we’re not going into that today. We’re talking about modelling today.

Slut.

Oi!

Well, you are.

I beg your pardon?!

I do not approve of what you did.

I’m sorry, but I did nothing violating my moral codes, or that of this century, for your information.

Oh really?

“I heard someone say slut.”

Oh great now Daniel’s here. “What do you want Daniel?” I ask.

“To know why Kaya called you a slut.”

“That would be because of today’s photoshoot. You were there remember?”

“Oh yes…”

And? What did you think of it? Is that sort of conduct appropriate for a young lady?

“Kaya, if Cat Madigan had done anything inappropriate, I would’ve been there to watch it unfold.”

“Great.” I roll my eyes. “So on one hand, I have a hypocritical priss who’s done much much worse than what I’ve done-”

I have not.

“Oh don’t you lie to me, I’ve seen your memories, remember?” I can feel Kaya’s unease in the back of my head.

“What’s this now?” Daniel actually looks confused.

“And on the other, there is a perverted man child slash stalker who watches every seedy detail of my life,” I finish.

So you admit it. What you did was wrong.

“…the subject matter was sketchy, but there was nothing wrong with what I did!”

Tell that to your mother.

“I will. Once I work up the courage to tell her I did a photoshoot without her permission. And when she’s finally in a good mood.”

That may take a while.

“You may want to explain to your nonexistent readers what the hell is going on, Cat,” Daniel tells me.

“Alright.” Now that my imaginary friends, or rather, my imaginary stalker and someone who rents out my body occasionally (in a completely different way to what it sounds like) have broken the third wall, I think I should provide some context.

Yesterday was a photoshoot. It was different from the ones I have done before; partially because this shoot was more artistic, more classical.

And also because I didn’t tell mum about it.

I know, I know, I fucked up. The thing is, I could already anticipate what my mother was going to say. And that is along the lines of “You’ve done enough modelling for the last couple of weeks, every weekend you’re going out, you’re losing your sense of family (which is rich, considering how we haven’t been a family since since I was so young that those memories are now a blur) and don’t you have homework to do?”

So here’s the story behind how I got involved in this shoot. There is a organisation that organises monthly photoshoots, and I decided to get involved in an Angels and Demons photoshoot. Don’t bother asking which I’m going to be, I gave up on heaven a long time ago, and anyone can guess who I most identify with.

Anyway, the group also had a page for casting calls, so models, photographers and makeup artists could work together in other stuff before the big monthly shoot. So I put my hand up for a last minute shoot, as one of the models had dropped out, and the photographer needed another model.

And I got it.

Well done, Cat Madigan. Kaya claps slowly in my head.

Well, I didn’t think I’d actually get it! What was the chance that he would’ve wanted to work with me over some thinner, less psychotic model?

Just continue the story. So you didn’t tell your mother.

No, I didn’t. I kept forgetting to bring it up.

In other words, you’re a hen.

Wait, what?

…Not the correct phrase?

“Try chicken, Kaya.”

“We are getting off track, you two,” I inform them.

What about the subject matter?

What of it?

For fucks sake, I don’t give a crap that you didn’t tell your mother. I care that you looked like a whore.

“She did not!” Daniel yells.

“CAN YOU BOTH GO AWAY SO I CAN CONTINUE WRITING THIS BEFORE IT LEAVES MY HEAD?”

“Fine…”

Kaya doesn’t respond, so I’m going to assume she’s shutting up. Or leaving. Hopefully leaving. Have you gone Kaya?

Not yet. I’m going to wait a bit.

Whatever you say. So the photoshoot was to be based around a Manet painting, which you can see clearly below.

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Just for the record, there was absolutely no nudity involved, I promise. We wore bathers, and it was a one piece, and it was not slutty, AND THERE WAS NO NUDITY.

You’re still a slut.

Shut up, you hypocritical bitch. So there was a message behind the painting, which the photographer explained to me. The painting, which was done in the 1800s, caused a scandal in the community. Not because it involved naked ladies, but because of who the naked ladies were.

“Who were they?”

“Nobody Daniel. Look, in those times, there were two common representations of women in paintings. They were usually represented as one of two extremes; the Whore, or the Virgin. And this painting depicted them as neither whore or virgin, just ordinary women. Their lack of importance is symbolised by the men who don’t look at them.”

“Maybe they’re gay.”

“Maybe they were. But either way, they were just ordinary women, and it was shown in the painting. And it lead many people to question the things that they painted, and how they painted them.”

IT’S NOT THAT PART THAT I’M CONCERNED ABOUT, CAT MADIGAN.

Concerned is putting it very lightly.

Dearest Cat, would you care to explain to your nonexistent readers what happened after the shoot?

Fine… So after the main group shot, we decided to take some shots for our portfolios. And the photographer decided it would be cool for one of the male actors to have a shoot with a lady.

“…you? A lady?”

“I have a vagina. I believe that makes me a lady.”

“Still, they could’ve used the other male model instead. You couldn’t really tell the difference.”

“Except for the beard, Daniel,” I insert.

“True, true.”

And the photos weren’t that bad, Kaya. It’s just that one or two people might consider them…provocative.

That’s one way of putting it.

Look, I was lying next to him, draped in a sheet. But I was wearing my bathers underneath! It just looked like I wasn’t wearing anything.

“When do we get to see this photo?”

You, you sick pervert, can die waiting to see that photo.”

“Don’t show me it, and I’ll find worse.”

“…what are you implying?”

“Let me put it this way. You’ll never be able to change in peace again.”

“…one look. That’s it.”

“That’s all I need. Now you can continue.”

So you see? It wasn’t that bad.

Perhaps not. But I can think of a number of people who would not approve. Your school for one.

But they wouldn’t see the photo unless they went onto my Model Mayhem account. Which they wouldn’t, because they have no business going on there.

There’ll be people calling you a slut, not just me.

Look, I don’t see the photo that way. It’s more artistic than slutty, and besides, I can use the variety in my portfolio. It’s good to show people I’m not just a cutesy makeup model.

You can be the slut too.

“I prefer to call it ‘The Femme Fatale’ look.”

“Thankyou Daniel. That’s the first time I approve of something you’ve said this conversation.”

One last thing, your mother. What would she say upon seeing that photo?

Back to Cat from the future now. I told mum. She’s fine with it. She doesn’t know exactly what went on in the shoot, but in don’t need to go into that much detail until she actually sees the photos. I haven’t got them yet, but I don’t plan to show them much to people. And especially not Uncle Slenderman.

“What about Flash? You know…just to show what he’s missing?”

“…maybe.”

“That’s my girl.”

Till next time, non existent readers.

Mad Cat

Kaya and Cat?

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Why does Reality hurt me more than Delirium?

It seems like a simple matter of logic. Delirium doesn’t actually hurt me in Reality, where I receive comfort from my friends and ‘family’. Whereas if I’m hurt in Reality, I receive little comfort in Delirium, if any at all. Daniel…for some reason Daniel doesn’t really count as something from Delirium. He’s closer to human than…them. But at the same time, he’s not from Reality either; I am the only one who sees him.

So yesterday, Flash broke up with me.

He said he was always worrying about me, and that left little room for romantic feelings.

In other words, he couldn’t handle my Delirium.

And I don’t blame him.

It’s just I feel like whatever hope that I had is now gone. Before, I had a firm idea of who I would hurt if I had gone. Now I’m not so sure.

But when he did so, it unintentionally brought to light something in myself that I had probably been aware of for some time, but had never put together the pieces.

There’s reasons why there are times I can’t remember things. Why there are sometimes blank places in my memory.

And yesterday, Papa Willis, Smith and Chase had the not so pleasurable experience of meeting her.

And when I say her, I mean her.

I may have another personality. I can feel her now, in the back of my mind. She’s not always there though, but I know when she is. She talks to me like Daniel does, only I can’t see her. Why I am only connecting the dots now is a mystery to me, but it makes sense. Somewhat.

Sometimes when I went into Delirium, I reawoke to find myself in a completely different place, and I had little memory of doing anything. Say school for example. Now I think about it, it happened whenever I was feeling scared or vulnerable or hurt. When something bad happened in Reality, I’d go into Delirium.

But someone had to protect my body.

And that’s Kaya.

Kaya had a talk to Chase yesterday. I don’t know everything they talked about, but I’m working on it. To respect him, I’m not going to say stuff on here. He’s a good person.

So I had gone into Delirium, and I was extremely reluctant to come back to Reality.

Of course, Delirium is not so much better than Reality. I did a lot of running. Fire hurts a lot.

Water is strange in Delirium. You can cup it in your hand and blow it away like a cloud of dust. It’s somewhat peaceful to do that.

Then I heard a voice. One I didn’t think I’d hear again.

And I yelled at her. She was meant to be dead, I saw her die. And she wanted me to come back to Reality.

After a big fight, she agreed to leave me alone.

When I calmed down, I didn’t come back completely. I just snoozed a little, and then I realised my body was still active.

“Kaya!” I yelled.

It feels weird, feeling your body move and yet have no control over what’s happening. It’s as if you’re in someone else’s head, wearing their skin.

Speaking of skin…there were bite marks on my hands, scratches too. “Kaya…”

So now you want to return. Make up your mind.

“Let me back. Now.”

She smiled. Well, I smiled. It’s weird, okay?! And I came back.

And Kaya had gone.

She later came back and explained to me little things, basics of the conversation with Chase. Essentially, I figured Kaya wasn’t always in my head, but whenever I was in pain/feeling vulnerable/hurt in any way/etc, she’d take control of my body should I choose to spend too much time in Delirium.

So in a way, Delirium is a safe zone, for a lack of a better term. Or a reflex mechanism or some shit. And Kaya protects me in Reality when I go to Delirium.

Only trouble is, Delirium doesn’t come with its own protection, or reflex. I can’t always escape the pain there.

Kaya has firmly stated that she only controls me in very rare cases, but I’m still very wary. Kaya, from what I’ve heard from Daniel, and the reluctant witnesses in Reality, is very angry. Well, she can get very angry. So I worry about when she does control me, and what she says.

It’s uncomfortable having her in my head. It’s like a dull ache, one which I can’t get out with Panadol, or binge drinking on tea.

For the record, it’s irritating for me as well. I feel like I’m wearing itchy clothing.

There’s clothing in Delirium?

Of course there is, silly girl.

She’s not there much though. Now I can conclude that whenever I get headaches that don’t go away, it’s simply her. Why she refused to say anything till now, I don’t know. While it’s still on my mind, I need to test a theory I have. Next time she’s in my head, I’ll hit it against a wall to see if she goes.

I wonder if Daniel knew about this…

….fuck you brain.

Mad Cat Artwork: Liquid Madness

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Time for another piece of what’s in my head in digital art form!

It’s not a self portrait, it’s based on a character in a story my friend The Evil One is writing. She used me as the inspiration for the character. So she’s going to be extremely messed up. ^_^

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The way I see it, she’s been driven so mad that she split into two personalities. The one I drew is the creepier, darker one, which has no sense of the present, and is permanently stuck inside her traumatic past. I might do another picture of both personalities, but I haven’t got enough time at the moment, with exams and everything. I barely have enough time to update sometimes.

Ah well. Enjoy my artwork, and I’m finishing up the second last chapter of Cat’s Run Away, which will hopefully be posted soon. I know how much you nonexistent readers love those.

Mad Cat