Mad Cat Begins

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Yup. I’m doing the challenge again. Because I think it’s also important for me to talk about how I started writing this thing. Yes, superpowers and the story behind them are cool, but I feel like I need to remind myself why I started a blog and why I write the things that I do. So stuff people who want to hear about my friend in Delirium, and how I became a dominatrix for a day. That’s for later. Papa Willis will be first though, because that’s actually important.

So a year ago, I was in a bad place. Every night I would dream of going out to The Lake of Ghosts, and I would die. I think that would’ve been when I started going into Delirium on my own instead of seeing it from someone else’s eyes. I’m really not sure now. I should’ve been writing down what happened in my episodes, but I didn’t. I really regret not writing down my memories now.

So one night, after things got particularly bad, I filled the sink with water, and held my head underneath it. It wasn’t the most creative suicide plan, or the most elegant. But I was willing to go through with it, and I would make myself hold my head underwater until the end.

I changed my mind though. Obviously. Otherwise this wouldn’t be a blog about my adventures in Reality and Delirium. This would have a different name, maybe my real name. And instead of those stories, those mad ridiculous stories, there would be a eulogy of my short wisp of a life, containing all the little things in my Reality. It probably wouldn’t even exist. My parents would’ve announced my death, got the funeral over with, and tried to move on. Would’ve they said it was suicide? Maybe. If it were blindingly obvious.

Either way, the logical side of my brain kicked in, and I thought Why was I doing this?

I had become tired of the nightmares. I didn’t want to die the way I was in my dreams. And I just wanted to be out of pain. It seemed like the only option.

But…if I was going to die because of the visions, right there, with my head in the bathroom sink, that meant the vision wasn’t true.

And I was going to throw my life away over nothing.

So I quickly yanked my head out, coughed out a lung or two, and had a long talk with my friend after. I felt like the most stupid person on the face of the earth, and it would be at least a month before I could stand water again.

I got better though. Well, my depression did. Temporarily anyway. I decided that I was tired of keeping everything cooped up inside me, where it would just linger and mess with my head. But if I spoke out loud about what was happening to me, people would point and say “Hey look! There’s the schizophrenic girl who raves on about an imaginary world!”

So I write about it instead.

I have two styles of writing. And one of them is Ranting. My best example of this would be Bandaids. That one was a bitch to write, I kept crying the whole time. Ranting is essentially me writing about things which have happened and relaying how I feel about it.

The other one is usually used when I’m writing about Delirium, and when I use it, I feel like afterwards it sounds like I’m writing fiction. That bothers me a bit, but for some reason, I prefer writing it that way. This way, I feel like I can remember things from Delirium more clearly. Of course, there’s some things I’d rather forget. But I have to make myself write about the bad things too. Because they’re important too. I need to get them out of my system as well.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember what happens in Delirium. I have days where I can remember everything crystal clear, and others where everything is a blur. That’s probably why I’m behind on explaining what happened with my friend in Delirium. I’m getting there though. Tomorrow, that will be posted. I reckon that the longer I’ve been in Delirium, the longer I can remember things for afterwards. Of course, I remember the key events. I just get a little slow on the details.

Occasionally, it does feel like I’m writing fiction. When I’m remembering it all, I sometimes wonder how I managed to do whatever I had done. Cat Madigan in Delirium can seem like a different person than Cat Madigan in Reality, and I would never have the courage to do in Reality what I do in Delirium.

The killing is one of those things. I get scared about what I do in Delirium, and I contemplate whether or not I could do so in Reality. But it’s more than just being able to take a life. I feel stronger in Delirium. Maybe it’s the superpowers I mentioned yesterday, but I am willing to talk back more. I can speak clearer, act faster. Basically, I feel like I can be more than a useless freak of nature.

I do feel hopeless at times though. No one can control what happens to them, and that goes for me too in Delirium. I wish to god I could change what happened there. Not just to me. I wish that Jhaq didn’t get hurt, I wish that Kaya didn’t have to die, I wish that the world there wasn’t going to ruins. You would think I’d be able to change what happened. But the fact is, I really don’t.

I might be an author when I write on here. But when it comes to Delirium, and the mad, twisted things that happen there, it’s someone else who’s in control of that story.

Switch

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Daniel burst out laughing.

“Surely it’s not that funny,” I point out.

“Yeah…it is.”

Argh…

“Calm down Kaya, it’s not that bad.”

Try me.

“Look, what am I supposed to say? No, I don’t want to do the photoshoot because my evil twin doesn’t want to?”

But did you have to accept it?

“Hey, it looks like fun! And I get to wear a wig and contacts.”

Doesn’t make it-

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Daniel speaks up. “But I believe you’re confusing your imaginary audience.”

“Right. Now shut up you two.”

So I was contacted by a photographer last night, and he was interested in doing a photoshoot with me as one of my drawings.

Why do you post your drawings on your modelling page anyway? That’s what your modelling photos are for.

Yeah, well, it shows that I’m more than a pretty face.

“Pfffffffft.”

“Shut up Daniel.”

Continue.

Okay, so this is the picture that he wanted to recreate:

It’s pretty cool, if I do say so myself. But guess who it’s of.

I believe they can already guess.

…yeah. Hehee.

Now do you understand why I’m uncomfortable?

Calm down Kaya.

Why? You’re going to be pretending to be me!

I know. It’s like I’m cosplaying as my split personality!

Oh let’s not start this argument again.

Look, I don’t see what the big deal is. Can you explain it to me?

I find it insulting.

Oh boohoo. How is this insulting?

Can you really walk around in a dead person’s skin?

“I’m sorry, what do you think she was doing for the first few months we knew her?”

I wasn’t dead Daniel.

“It’s not making fun of you Kaya, I promise.”

Cat, I’m sorry, I don’t like it.

“Then don’t come near me! Just stay away, do the stuff you do when you’re not inside me.”

Daniel snorts.

“Shut up Daniel.”

Why should I allow this?

“Because this is my body and I call the shots.”

Not always…

Daniel growls suddenly. “Don’t even think about it.”

So you’re on her side?

“Of course.”

…are you ever going to forgive me?

“I’m not like Cat,” he replies.

“Hey!”

“I didn’t mean it as an insult,” he tells me. “I lost faith in this world a long time ago Kaya. I’m too tired to be forgiving. And it’s too late for me to forgive you, isn’t it?”

The headache goes away all of a sudden. “Kaya’s gone.”

“Thought she would.”

“Haven’t seen her so irritated since she found out I was planning to buy a corset,” I note.

Daniel smiles grimly. “She just takes everything personally,” he says. “When you’ve been hated for years, you tend to take everything that anyone says about you as an insult.”

I sigh. “I didn’t mean to piss her off.”

“I know you didn’t. She probably knows that too. I guess she just doesn’t want you to pretend to be her, make a fool out of her.”

“…that doesn’t make sense.”

“It only has to make sense to her,” he points out.

“Daniel?”

“Hmm?”

“What has she done that’s so horrible?”

Daniel groans. “Do we have to go into this?”

“Yup. Look, I know how she died. But I’ve almost done the same thing. Exactly the same, actually.”

He shakes his head.

“What do you mean Daniel?”

“Cat, she’s not dead, not really. She was in your head a few minutes ago.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

He places his hand on my shoulder. “That’s not what’s meant to happen. She’s still alive, she just doesn’t have a physical body.”

“There’s a difference?”

“Believe it or not, yes. If she were dead, she wouldn’t be here at all.”

“But she is here.” I frown. “That doesn’t explain why you hate her.”

“I wouldn’t call it hate,” he admits. “But the person she’s turned into…”

“What has she turned into?”

He groans. “It’s complicated…fine,” he says after seeing my face. “The way I see it, Kaya gave up on her world. She left all of us in a sinking ship.”

“And? So what? I am guilty of doing the same crime! What’s the difference between Kaya’s crime and mine?”

“I hadn’t finished. The difference between the two of you is that you had no desire to live. That was why you did what you did. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a selfish thing to do. Kaya’s is worse though. She…” His jaw clenches. “Don’t believe what she says Cat. Human bodies may have their faults, but they’re a lot better than being a ghost.”

“She wants my body?”

Daniel’s eyes widen and we start howling in laughter. “Oh god,” I gasp out. “Shit, I should’ve seen that. How did I miss that?”

Daniel just shakes his head. “Well that lightened the mood.”

“Seriously though.” We straighten up. “Kaya wants to take over?”

He nods. “But why? I thought she didn’t want to live?”

“She didn’t want to live the way she was living,” he corrects. “Suicide is one option, but there was another way.”

“And what would I do?”

“You’d go to Delirium,” Daniel explains. “From her eyes, it does sound fair.”

“I agree.”

“But it’s not,” he finished. “Kaya has already lived one life, and that she threw away. To take over someone else’s, yes even with their consent,” he informs me, “isn’t right. She’d be hurting your friends, family…and that young man your friends were talking about on the ferry.”

“…not you too.”

“Hey, I can do whatever I please,” he says. “My point is, she has done…this, deliberately. It’s not that hard to die, well, there are exceptions,” he says pointedly. “But she’s done this so she has the potential to take on another body. And for that, I can’t forgive her.”

“Because she wants to live a life without pain?”

“Because she’s willing to hurt the people you love to do it,” he corrects.

I’m silent for a moment. “…if that’s the case, then who have I taken over?”

“Hmm?”

“I have a physical body Daniel,” I remind him. “Both in Reality and Delirium. How does that work?”

“Well….how about another time?”

“No! Now!”

“I’m tired Cat. Just…think over what I’ve said, alright?” He raises my hand to his lips. “You be good now,” he tells me. “I need to take care of something.”

“So I shouldn’t trust Kaya,” I say out loud.

Daniel sighs. “Kaya would never hurt you,” he says. “But she doesn’t harbour the same feelings about the people you care about.”

I nod. “But why should I trust you and not Kaya?”

He turns around and grins. “Maybe you shouldn’t trust either of us,” he tells me. “But then where would you be?”

The F@ck You List

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Hello humanity!

Merry fucking Christmas!

Okay…now that I’m out of my cave of depression and chocolate, time for my first Christmas speech.

No I don’t care that it’s three days early. I want to write NOW.

Grrrr.

This is my first year writing this stuff. As some of you nonexistent readers may know, I had started this blog after I had attempted suicide, in order to get stuff out of my head. 

So. Nine days till the year ends.

How do you celebrate the end of a year that has been absolutely shit?

I present….the Fuck You List. It’s exactly what is sounds like.

So fuck you:

1- Brain. Thanks to you, I have scars on my hands, scars on my leg, a horrible sense of what is reality, and two imaginary friends.

2- Flash. You gave me hope and then you took it away. We’re friends, I’m guessing, but I’m not going to be so stupid as to trust you. Not as much as I did anyway.

3- Daniel. Fuck you for following me when I ran away, and continuing to piss me off ever since.

4- Benedict Cumberbatch, for ruining my expectations of men.

5- Mum, for your moodswings and violent outbursts.

6- Dad, for trying to drag me out of my room by my hair an hour ago. Never. Drag. Me. Out. By. My. Mother. Fudging. Hair.

7- Kaya, for not taking over and scratching my father’s eyes out an hour ago. Also, where the hell have you been for the last six months? Thanks to you, I’m suicidal, depressed, anxious, oh, did I mention Flash dumped me because of the hallucinations you gave me? Fuck you Kaya.

8- Queen Paris-ite. I do have friends. They are awesome, funny, and have more brain cells than you. And for your sake, we won’t start on my hair.

9- Slenderman, for causing me to laugh during Mass, you seedy bastard. And for those who want to know why, think about how this could be interpreted: Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come agaaaaaaain. Don’t you have anything better to do than make me go red in the face from laughing? Also, apologies to those seedy nonexistent people who read that and understood the other meaning, and if you never take Mass seriously again, it’s my fault.

10- Papa Willis’ ex girlfriend. Not only did you hurt him, but you hurt me and Batman. Noone is perfect, especially not us. That definitely does not mean we are horrible people.

11- Doctor Who. I’m going to be borderline inconsolable at Christmas. I LOVE YOU MATT SMITH!

12- Sherlock. And you know why.

13- Steven Moffat. DISHONOUR ON YOU, DISHONOUR ON YOUR COW.

14- BBC in general. 

15- James Bond, for not going gay. 

16- Disney.

17- Happy singing people.

18- Cheerfulness.

19- 500 Miles, by The Proclaimers. AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHY.

20- Mathematics.

21- Depression.

22- Anxiety.

23- Cutting. You do not help. In the slightest. I know that now.

24- Sickness. Seriously, my brain’s already out of whack, this is not an invitation to have fun too, immune system. 

25- Game of Thrones. I knew about the Red Wedding, BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY. 

Argh…There’s so many more things I want to say fuck you to…tell you what, I’ll continue this again when Internet has returned.

Cat Madigan